


Till I Shatter

by Rehtaeh_Elocin



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bottom Castiel/Top Dean Winchester, Castiel Has Self-Esteem Issues (Supernatural), Depressed Castiel (Supernatural), Depression, Explicit Sexual Content, Falling In Love, Family, First Dates, First Kiss, First Time, Friends to Lovers, Frottage, Happy Ending, Healing, Holidays, Hurt Castiel (Supernatural), Hurt/Comfort, Love Confessions, M/M, Minor Character Death, Past Child Abuse, Protective Dean Winchester, Roommates, Self-Harm, Slow Burn, Suicidal Thoughts, Switching, Top Castiel/Bottom Dean Winchester, Virgin Castiel (Supernatural)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-05
Updated: 2021-01-11
Packaged: 2021-03-16 00:27:59
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 43,546
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28573011
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rehtaeh_Elocin/pseuds/Rehtaeh_Elocin
Summary: Castiel is depressed, struggling to get through the days until he can't anymore. The only bright spot in his life is Dean, but he won't let himself have that.When everything comes crashing down around him, and Dean is there to help pick up the pieces, will Cas finally let him in? Will he let himself have something he never thought he could have?The story of how one man makes Castiel realize there are a thousand things to live for, and that love can help heal a shattered soul.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 71
Kudos: 129





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Please heed the tags. This is rough at the beginning, but it does get better.
> 
> This fic is finished, and I will be uploading chapters as they're edited.
> 
> This has been a personal journey for me, and it's taken me a long time to get these words down. I hope you enjoy the story.
> 
> Thank you to the lovely Marvfortytwo for being an awesome beta. You're the best.

Cas wasn't an unhappy child. On the contrary, he was very energetic, independent, and quite happy most of the time. He liked to run and play just like any other kid. At least he did, until he got old enough to realize some things about himself. 

He supposes the depression was always there, somewhere buried in the back of his mind. Highschool wasn't fun. He didn't have friends, he barely spoke to anyone. He did his work, wandering the halls, as alone there as he was at home. 

Yet, being there was better than being at home. At least at school he was mostly left alone to his own devices. Whereas, at home, he was treated like a leper, like he was worse than the scum on the bottom of a pond. At least pond scum wouldn't be berated and talked down to, wouldn't be hit or pushed around. 

It was his own fault really. He should've known letting his parents find out he's gay would've been the end of any happiness he may have held onto up until that point. The only reason he wasn't homeless was because his parents had a reputation to uphold, appearances to keep. But once he graduated, it was “goodbye Castiel, do not contact us again”. 

He supposes that's better than the pain, both physical and emotional, they'd bestowed upon him the few years prior to that.

At least he managed to get into college, and with enough financial aid, student loans, and two jobs he'd been able to stay above water, financially at least.

The depression, though, just gets worse every day. More than three years later, and he finds himself just done with everything. 

\-- 

Cas has friends now, sort of. He has a group of people he hangs out with around campus. People he'll eat lunch with, or converse with on occasion, but they're all people who barely make him feel a thing. He tries, he does. When they're laughing, he makes himself laugh, forces out the sounds that he doesn't feel. He mostly stays quiet, but for some reason they never give up on him. 

Then, there's Dean. Dean is a friend, or the closest thing Cas has to an actual friend, if he's even capable of that kind of relationship. Of any relationship. He makes Cas... feel. 

He tries to spend as much time around Dean as his mind and body will allow, because once he's there, most of the terrible thoughts take a backseat, and Cas can just  _ 'be' _ for a while. 

Cas thinks he may love Dean, though it's hard to tell as he's never known love before, of any kind. He just knows that Dean brings some warmth to Cas' heart. When he laughs, Cas can feel flames dancing along his skin. Dean looks at him like he matters, and Cas doesn't know what to do with that, so he's locked it up deep inside in a box labeled Do Not Touch. 

Dean is probably the reason he's still alive. 

Cas wants to die. Not always, but it lingers there, in the back of his mind. It's really not even a want, it feels more like a need. He's nothing but a failure. An awkward loser. That weird guy who wears cuffs on his wrists and hoodies that are too big, ratty jeans and scuffed shoes. Who wears mostly black, and occasionally eyeliner, and hardly talks. A nobody. It wouldn't matter if he was just gone, because in the end it wouldn't be a big loss to anybody. 

Sure, some of his acquaintances may feel sad for a few moments. They may come to his funeral, and talk about how polite and smart and quiet Cas was, but they would move on and forget quickly. They would, it's just a fact. 

Something stops him each time he's almost made it that far though. An inexplicable pull in his chest every time he wants to run the razor a little deeper, or take more pills than he should. Something holds him back and makes him think maybe he's not quite done on this plane yet. Maybe there's something left he needs to do before he can go. 

It's usually Dean's face floating in his mind when he sets whatever vice down and let's the tears fall until he can finally sleep.

It's not a good life, by far, but it's his. At least for now. 

\-- 

It's a bad morning. Pulling himself out of bed is a struggle, even worse than normal. Cas just wants to curl up in a ball and let the world fade away, but he doesn't. He doesn't know why, why he even bothers with class anymore when in the end it just won't matter. Soon enough, nothing he does will matter. 

Yet, he still drags himself up, slips on whatever clothes are closest that don't smell bad, snaps his cuffs into place over the scars and scabs on his wrists, and pulls a hoodie over his head. It takes all he has to grab his bag and head out of his tiny decrepit apartment to make the short walk to campus. 

Sometimes, class is the only thing that keeps him going through the day. Cas has always loved learning, filling his brain with all kinds of information. Making himself go to class is hard, but once he's there he generally doesn't regret it, getting lost in the professors voices, the wealth of knowledge being handed to him. It's his escape from the torture that is his own mind. 

The reprieve is over too soon, and Cas finds himself in the cafeteria. He's not hungry, he's never hungry, but he'd run into Charlie on his way out of class and she'd dragged him here, so he forces himself to spend as little money as possible on food he'll only make it look like he's eaten, before taking a seat at their regular table. 

Being around happy people is hard. It's hard to pretend to understand why they're so content, to grasp how they can go through life without the burning desire to be done with it. It's even harder to try to pretend to be one of those people. 

He doesn't want anyone to know how miserable he is, because that's not fair to them. It wouldn't be fair for Cas to bring down their energy with his unhappiness. 

It's with this thought that Cas finds himself forcing out a laugh along with the others at something he doesn't even understand. He doesn't get the joke, and he doesn't know why it's funny, but everyone else at the table thinks it is, so it must be. 

As the laughter trails off, Cas sees Dean approaching the table with a pretty red head by his side, and he feels a pang in his chest when Dean smiles at her. It's not an unfamiliar feeling. Dean dates, and when he does he's not really around much. Those times are hardest for Cas, the crushing loneliness he feels when Dean is gone for long periods of time. He knows it's not healthy, but really, what part of his life is? 

Dean introduces her as a new transfer student, Anna. He names the people around the table, and everyone welcomes her graciously when she and Dean take a seat. Cas plasters a smile on his face, and acts interested when she talks, but in reality he's not listening. He's mentally already withdrawing into himself, knowing the next few weeks to months are going to be hard. Maybe it's time. 

Cas is trying to come up with a plausible excuse to escape when he hears his name called, looking up to see Dean staring at him quizzically, and Cas assumes he must've said his name more than once. "You okay?" 

"Oh, yes, sorry. I just remembered I have to go." Cas says, gathering his things and standing up. 

"We still on for tonight?" Dean asks, focusing all his attention on Cas. 

Cas feels torn. He wants to hang out with Dean, wants to say yes, to spend one last night watching movies and actually having an appetite, but knowing that it'll be the last for a while is just too much. He shakes his head, and starts to answer in the negative when Dean interrupts him. 

"Come on, man. You've cancelled the last couple times." Dean says, looking up at him with pleading eyes. It's true, Cas has cancelled recently, finding it harder and harder to force himself out of his apartment, even to see Dean. 

Cas feels guilty, and he internally sighs knowing that he can't leave Dean with that look on his face, so he nods instead. "Okay. I'll be there." 

The smile Dean responds with makes Cas' stomach flutter, but he pushes it down. "Awesome. I'll see you at seven." Dean says, giving one last look before turning back to his friends. Cas nods again, even though no one is looking at him, and he quickly retreats from the cafeteria. 

It's not like he wants to disappoint people, it's just who he is. He's a disappointment, from the very beginning, and his parents made sure he knew that. He tries, he really does, but every day it gets a little harder to not let down those around him. 

Cas feels another pang in his chest as he heads to his last class, getting there far earlier than necessary, but allowing himself several minutes of alone time in the large lecture hall to feel his own affliction. 

He'll spend the evening with Dean, say his mental goodbyes, and figure out what to do next.  _ How  _ to do next.

\-- 

After classes and back in his own apartment, Cas pulls his clothes off and stands under the showerhead, letting the almost scalding water beat down on him. He's weary, tired, and just wants to go to sleep, but he said he'd be there tonight and he will. He'll push through, just this one last time. 

Washing himself, Cas presses harder on his wrists with the washcloth, rubbing hard enough to feel the sting and let the blood well up again, watching as the water washes the few drops down the drain as if they never existed. He finds a bit of irony in the fact that that's probably how his life is going to be soon enough. Gone, swirled down into the void of nothingness. 

His chest aches and he let's a few tears fall before he scrubs his face and gets out, finding it even harder now to get dressed than he felt this morning. He does it though, pulling on clean jeans, tshirt, hoodie, and the ever present wrist cuffs. They itch, as they always do when he has fresh cuts, but he's so used to it by now that it barely even registers. He just wants to get this night over with. 

\-- 

Dean doesn't live far, only a few blocks that are easily walkable, though Cas' fatigue makes it seem further than it is. He's just so damn tired, always tired. 

The building is nice, a lot nicer than Cas', just as Dean's apartment is, and Cas buzzes to be let in. Once on his floor, Dean opens the door and the smile on his face could put warmth in anyone's heart. Why he's so happy to see Cas, he'll never know, but it actually makes him feel something aside from the hole in his chest and he basks in it, soaking it up one last time. 

Cas feels a smile pulling at his face, a real smile that's so rare his face feels a little weird when it happens. "Hello Dean." He says, as Dean steps back to let him enter. 

Dean's already ordered food, chinese and pizza laid out on the coffee table. "I didn't know what you'd want, and I've been craving bourbon chicken and meat lovers pizza, so I got both. Hope that's okay." Dean says, leading Cas to the couch. 

Cas tells Dean that's fine as he takes a seat, and for once his stomach starts rumbling when his nostrils are filled with the enticing aroma of meat. Dean chuckles at the noise, and Cas basks in the sound, letting it fill him just like Dean's smile does. 

Yes, this is definitely not healthy, but he'll take it. He'll take it over the constricting emptiness he normally feels, even if it is fleeting. 

Dean puts on a movie while they eat, and though Cas isn't really paying attention, he's actually enjoying himself. He eats more than he probably has in the last week combined, then, once finished, he settles back into the couch, almost content. He savors these last moments with Dean. 

Cas is so completely out of it, he doesn't notice for a few moments that Dean has paused the movie. When he does, he turns his head to find Dean staring at him, a contemplative look on his face. Not saying anything, he tilts his head and watches as emotions flicker across Dean's face. 

Finally, Dean speaks. "You know, you're one of my best friends" Dean starts, and Cas feels surprised, because no, he didn't know that. Dean has so many friends, he's such an outgoing, loving, caring person, and Cas has no idea how this happened. When he starts to shake his head, Dean continues speaking. "You are. There's just something about you. I'm comfortable with you, more so than with anybody else. I like being around you, a lot." 

Still confused, Cas turns his body towards Dean and says the first thing that comes into his head. "I do too." 

Dean scoots closer, until they're almost touching. "I like you, a lot." He says, and Cas can feel his heart start to speed up, a lump forming in his chest. 

"I like you too, Dean." Cas says, because it's true. Dean is the only person who ever makes him feel more than pain. 

Shaking his head, Dean smiles, a soft look in his eyes. "No Cas, I like you." His hand comes up and Cas almost flinches with it, but he doesn't, and when Dean rests it against the side of Cas' face he can't help but lean into the warmth a little. "I'd like to take you out. On a date, if that wasn't clear." Dean says. 

Cas' heart is pounding hard, and he can feel his stomach rolling over the food he'd consumed. No. No no no this cannot be happening. He can't. He can't do that to Dean, he deserves better, so much better, so much more than Cas could ever be. He isn't sure what his face is doing, but suddenly Dean looks concerned. "Cas?" 

Cas shakes his head, then shakes it again, backing up a little. He can feel tears forming in his eyes. "I can't" he chokes out, and the look on Dean's face is devastating. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. You shouldn't- you can't- you deserve better. I'm sorry." Cas pulls himself up off the couch and runs out the door. 

Not waiting for the elevator, Cas runs down the stairs, and as soon as he's out the front door of the building he's emptying his stomach contents into the grass. 

Fuck. Fuck. No. This cannot be happening. Why? Why would Dean want this? Cas is a disaster. A broken useless thing that doesn't have any reason to live, let alone merit that kind of affection from Dean. 

Once his stomach is empty, Cas takes off running toward his apartment and doesn't stop until he's somehow in his bathroom, staring at his tear streaked face in the mirror. 

He can almost hear the words, snarled to him in the cruel voice of his father. 

_ You are broken. Useless. Disgusting. A sham of a human being. You are unworthy of this life we've given you. I wish you weren't my son.  _

More tears stream down his face as Cas rips off his hoodie and falls to his knees on the hard floor, digging into the back of the cabinet. 

_ Pathetic. You are nothing. _

He slumps against the wall and unsnaps the cuff on his left wrist. 

_ I hate you. You should be ashamed. You should be dead.  _

The hole in his chest aches, growing bigger. Everything hurts. 

_ I wish you were dead.  _

Cas presses the razor to his wrist and watches as the blood pools at the surface, along the line he's pierced into his skin, the words fading into the back of his mind. He draws another line, and feels the tightness in his chest loosen as the blood drips onto the floor. Another cut, he can barely see through the smear of red across his wrist. Just one more, just enough to stop the ache. 

Dean's face swirls in his mind as he leans his head back against the wall, eyes slipping closed. How could he do that? Dean looked so hurt. He has to know, he has to. Cas is no good for him. As much as he wants Dean, wants the calming soothing comfort he has whenever Dean is near, he can't do that to him. 

Feeling dizzy, lightheaded, Cas thinks he could just drift off like this. Just sleep. He's so tired, so very tired. Tired of fighting, of the agony, of the pulling hole in his chest. He's tired of being alone and broken. 

He must drift off because he hears Dean's voice calling his name, and it makes him want to smile through the dream haze. Dean always says his name with such fondness, it makes Cas yearn for more. Dean doesn't sound fond now though, he sounds worried. Cas doesn't want him to be worried. He should be happy, always happy. He's too good to feel anything else. 

Pulling himself from the dream, Cas flutters his eyes open, still on the bathroom floor. He knows he should get up, clean up his mess, but he can't find the energy. He just wants to sleep. 

He closes his eyes again, just for a second, then feels something touching his face. He opens them, taking in green eyes full of worry. 

"Cas, what did you do?" He hears in Dean's voice. Those are Dean's eyes, Dean's hands on his face, Dean's voice full of concern. He shouldn't be concerned, Cas is fine. He's done this hundreds of times, he's always fine. 

"'M fine" Cas gets out, because he needs to make sure Dean knows. 

"Jesus christ Cas." Dean says, and then something is pressing to his wrist. It stings a bit, but it's fine. "Sweetheart, why would you do this?" Dean asks. 

The heartbreak in Dean's voice is what does it. Cas breaks, shatters inside, and he can feel the sobs wracking his chest. 

Cas' face is pressed to Dean's chest, Dean's strong arms wrapped around him as Cas cries. He can't stop. He wants to, but it's too much. There's too much inside, and not nearly enough to hold him together anymore. 

"I'm not okay," Cas says between sobs. He's clinging to Dean, surely getting blood on his clothes, but he can't stop. He can't let go of this one thing holding him here. "Dean, I'm not okay. I hate myself. I hate what I am. I don't know what to do anymore. I just want to go." 

Dean shushes him, running a soothing hand through his hair, down his back. "I'm here, it'll be okay." 

Dean tries to pull back a little, and Cas grips him harder, digging his fingers in. "Don't leave me." He says, muffled into Dean's chest. 

"I'm not leaving you, I won't leave you. I'm gonna call for help though. You're bleeding too much." 

"Please don't," Cas says desperately. "Please, don't call. Don't make me go to the hospital. Please, Dean. I can't." 

"Okay, okay. It's okay, I won't call." Dean says soothingly. "Let me stop the bleeding though. You're losing too much." 

"Just let me. Let me go. It's what I deserve" Cas says, resigned. It is. He doesn't deserve to live, to continue on with this charade that he calls a life. "Everything will be better when I'm gone." 

"Cas," Dean says, voice broken. "Please don't." 

Cas' tears have stopped, and he can feel the blood still dripping from his wrist, mind a haze, vision blurry. "I should be dead. That's what he said. I just need to make it happen, then everyone can be happy." He says in a rough voice. 

"I won't be," Dean says, and Cas pulls back and looks at him. "I'm not letting you die." Dean pulls off his flannel, pressing it to Cas' wrist. Cas can see determination in Dean's face, and he just doesn't understand why. 

"Why?" He asks. He needs to know. Why does this even matter to Dean? 

"I told you, because I like you. I care about you." Dean says, putting more pressure on Cas' wrist. 

He feels dizzy and weak, barely holding his head up anymore, but he looks into Dean's eyes. "I don't understand." Cas says, voice feeble. He's losing strength, growing so very drowsy, eyes slipping closed. "I want to sleep." 

"Okay, sweetheart." Dean says, and Cas rests his head against Dean's chest again, eyes closed, breathing in Dean's scent. This is a good way to go. 

Being jostled, Cas opens his eyes, squinting up at Dean. "I got the bleeding stopped, so I'm gonna get you to bed then wrap this in something else, okay?" Dean says. 

Cas is too tired, so he just nods. He let's Dean help him off the floor, holding on as best he can, but as soon as he's on his feet he feels his legs wobble beneath him. 

"Shit" Dean says, wrapping his arms around Cas. "I wish you'd let me take you to get checked out." As Cas shakes his head, Dean sighs and bends down a bit, picking Cas up into his arms. 

Dean walks them to his bedroom and settles Cas into his bed, leaving for a minute and coming back with some gauze, tape, and ointment. Cas is well stocked in these things. He climbs up next to Cas, taking his wrist gingerly in his hands, cleaning the cuts and applying medicine, before wrapping his wrist. 

Watching in a detached fog, Cas doesn't know what to do with this. Nobody takes care of him, he's not worth anybody's time, so why is Dean still here? 

"Because I want to be." Dean says, and Cas realizes he must've been talking out loud. "Because I care what happens to you. Because you deserve to have somebody care about you." 

Cas can feel tears filling his eyes again, unable to stop them from rolling down his face. He doesn't deserve that, and he doesn't understand why Dean would think these things. 

Dean finishes wrapping his arm, and lays it back down on the bed next to Cas, and Cas realizes he really doesn't want to be alone. He's tired of being alone, tired of going through the motions of life pretending he's okay, pretending he doesn't have a hole in his chest the size of his heart. 

More tears roll down as he closes his eyes and whispers "don't leave." 

He feels Dean pull off his shoes before laying the blanket over him, but he doesn't open his eyes, sure that when he does Dean will be gone. It's only a few moments later, but he feels the bed dip next to him, Dean climbing back in and settling himself on his side next to Cas. "I told you, I'm not leaving." 

Turning onto his side, Cas looks into Dean's eyes, silent tears still falling, unable to stop them. Dean reaches a hand out, gently caressing Cas' face, wiping the tears away as they come. 

"Thank you" Cas says quietly, before closing his eyes again and letting sleep claim him.


	2. Chapter 2

Cas wakes slowly, eyes squinting through the morning sunlight streaming through his windows. He hurts, his head, his chest, his wrist. Everything hurts, as what happened last night comes back to him. He groans, burying his face in his pillow. He never wanted Dean to see him like that, never wanted him to know just how fucked up he is, at least until after he was gone. 

"Hey" he hears quietly behind him, only startling a little. Cas rolls over, and Dean is still there, still in his bed right where he was last night, and Cas is surprised. After everything, he figured Dean would take the first chance he got to get the hell away, as far away as he could. 

"Hello" Cas says, voice rough with sleep and all the tears he'd cried. "I thought you would've left." 

"Like I said twice last night, I'm not leaving you. Not until I have to, or you make me go." Dean says, hesitantly raising his hand then resting it on Cas' arm. The warmth flows through him, and it feels nice, feels comforting. He shouldn't get comfort. 

Cas shakes his head. "I'm sorry. You should go." And as soon as the words are out of his mouth, he regrets them. Regrets them because for one, he doesn't want Dean to go, and two, the crushed look on Dean's face hurts him. "You shouldn't have to deal with this, Dean. I can handle it." 

Dean scoffs, but doesn't move. "Like you handled it last night?" He says, and Cas flinches. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that. God, Cas, you scared the shit out of me." 

"It would've all worked out the way it was supposed to." Cas says. 

"You wanted to die last night?" Dean asks quietly, hurt obvious in his words. 

Cas thinks about it for a moment, rolls the events of the night before through his head. "I didn't plan on it, it just went too far. Maybe it was supposed to go too far." 

"Damnit Cas." Dean says, frustrated, as he sits up in the bed. Cas follows, leaning back against the wall. "You act like it would be no big deal if you were just-" Dean chokes on his words, swallows, then finishes. "Gone." 

Shrugging, Cas looks down into his lap, pulling his knees up and circling them with his arms. "It wouldn't be," he says. Nobody would care, not really. Dean acts like he cares, but that's just who he is. He would be the same way with a complete stranger, someone he doesn't even know, because that's just him, it's in his nature. 

"It would be a big deal to me. Fuck, do you not get it? You mean something to me. You mean more to me than I think you realize." Dean says. 

"Dean-" Cas starts, but gets cut off. 

"No. I get it, there's a lot about you I don't know, clearly. But that doesn't change how I feel, how I see you. You have some problems, but you can work through them, we can work through them. I'll help you." 

Cas huffs. "I'm past help, Dean. It's too late. I'm broken." He can feel tears welling in his eyes again as the words push themselves through his brain again. 

_ Broken. Pathetic. Useless. Disgusting. Nothing.  _

"You are not." Dean shifts closer, facing Cas. "Maybe a little bent, but you're not broken. Have you maybe thought about talking to someone?" 

"I can't," Cas replies. 

"Of course you can. That's what therapists are there for." 

"No, I really can't. Do you have any idea how expensive they are?" Cas is getting frustrated. "I know I need help, okay? I know. I just can't. I'm barely surviving as it is. My only option would be to go to the hospital and get admitted, and I can't do that. I won't do that." 

"You don't have anybody who could help? Your parents-" Cas cuts him off this time. 

"My parents" he says, disgust in his voice. "Want nothing to do with me." He's ashamed, leaning his head on the top of his knees. 

Dean is quiet for a minute, and Cas lets the self deprecation flow through him. "What you said last night" Dean finally says. 

He said a lot of things last night. "Which part?" 

"About him saying you should be dead. Was that your dad?" Dean asks. Cas knew he was smart, but shit, he put that together quickly. Cas' silence must answer the question, because Dean scoots even closer, laying his hand on Cas' arm. "It's not true. Whatever reason he had for saying that, you can't believe it. Fuck them for making you feel this way. God Cas, I am so sorry." 

Tears flow silently down Cas' cheeks again, and he's so ashamed. For being so weak, being broken, being so fucked up his own parents don't want him. He wants Dean to leave, and yet he doesn't. He knows when Dean goes, he's going to shatter again. 

"There's something wrong with me" Cas says into his knees, face still pressed against them. "I can't fix it. I hurt all the time. I'm sad, and I'm alone, and I hurt. And the only time I feel even part way normal is when I'm with you, and isn't that just pathetic? You should run away Dean, nothing good can come of this." 

"I'm not going anywhere" Dean says, slipping his arm over Cas' shoulders and pulling him against him. Cas presses his face into Dean's chest, because he's weak and Dean's warm and comforting. "If I'm what you need, then I'll be here." 

Cas shakes his head, but doesn't withdraw from Dean's hold. "You shouldn't." 

They're quiet for some time, Cas shifting until he's leaning fully against Dean, almost in his lap, arms gripping his sides. 

When Dean finally speaks, it's quiet. "You have no idea how amazing you are, do you?" He asks. "You are so damn smart. You're funny, with your dry humor and sarcastic jokes. You laugh, even when I can tell you don't understand something, and that laugh is wonderful. You're caring, and don't try to deny it because I saw you with that bird that fell out of it's nest a few weeks ago. And the homeless guy that sits outside the coffee shop. You are so damn beautiful it hurts to look at you sometimes, because I want nothing more than to kiss you." Dean takes a couple of breaths, running his fingers through Cas' hair. "You have some problems, but that's okay. I'll help you in any way I can. You're worth it." 

Cas doesn't say anything, he doesn't know what to say. That was all so much. He had no idea Dean even paid that much attention to him, or why he would. Something in his chest bubbles up, and it's not despair or anguish or nothingness. It's a strange feeling, one Cas has never felt before, and he doesn't know what to do with it. 

They sit like that for a while, silently, Dean carding his fingers through Cas' hair, up and down his back. He feels Dean press a kiss into his hair, and it feels weird, having someone hold him like this. It's not bad weird, but different. He's never had someone like this before, someone who cares enough to stay, to be with him, to lend him strength. 

For the first time in as long as Cas can remember, the urge to die is so far in the back of his mind that it's almost nonexistent. 

There's a knock on his apartment door, and Cas startles. Nobody ever comes to his apartment, and the fact that Dean knows where he lives is still a mystery. Cas starts to pull out of Dean's arms, but Dean just settles him back against the wall. 

"I'll get it, just wait here." Dean says, sliding out of the bed and leaving the room before Cas can protest. 

He hears voices from the living room, only for a minute, then the front door closes and it's quiet, save for some noises in the kitchen. Cas drags himself out of bed and makes his way out there. 

Dean is standing at the kitchen counter pulling things out of bags, and it takes a moment for Cas to realize it's groceries. "What is this?" Cas asks, trying to wrap his emotionally messed up and sleep addled brain around what he's seeing. 

Dean looks up at him for a moment, then goes back to work. "You have literally no food in here." He says. "So I asked a friend to bring us some stuff." 

"That is unnecessary." Cas says. He doesn't need anything because he's never hungry, so the food would just go to waste. 

"You don't eat enough." Dean says, pulling a pan out of the cupboard. "I thought maybe you just didn't like lunch, because you always eat when we hang out. But I'm assuming you just don't usually eat." 

"I'm not hungry" Cas replies, folding his arms over his chest. "You don't need to do this." 

Dean stops what he's doing and sighs. "You need to eat, and I'm making you breakfast. Please, let me do this." 

Dean's face is so open and caring, and Cas can't deny him this, not after everything he's done. So he nods, dropping his arms to the side, and Dean smiles a little and gets back to work. 

It's been a long time since his apartment smelled of food. Cas doesn't cook, has never seen a point to it as he hardly eats anything and it would be a waste of time and money. But he can't deny that once the smell hits him, his stomach rumbles angrily, likely lashing out at him for his lack of providing sustenance. He's sitting at the breakfast bar, watching Dean turn ingredients into a meal, and when Dean hears his stomach's protest, he lets out a chuckle. 

"I think your stomach agrees with me that you need to eat" Dean says, and Cas wants to be annoyed because it's his life and his body, but Dean is so relaxed and at ease that he can't bring himself to care all that much. 

It's not long before Dean is setting a plate down in front of him with eggs, toast, bacon, and pancakes on it, and Cas admits to himself that it does look good. Dean takes the seat next to him, digging into his own plate, and after a moment Cas does too. 

They're quiet while they eat, and halfway through his plate Cas realizes something and drops his fork saying "oh shit". He's standing up, already looking for his phone when Dean asks what happened. 

"I'm supposed to work today." Cas says from the bathroom where he'd left his hoodie last night. It's set neatly on the counter, and Cas sees that all the mess he'd left in there has been cleaned up. Dean must've done it, and Cas is beyond grateful. He looks at the time and groans. "I was supposed to be there fifteen minutes ago." 

Dialing the number for the shithole fast food place he works at, Cas walks back out to the living room. Once the manager comes onto the line, he tells her he got sick last night and this morning and forgot to call. She informs him in no uncertain terms that he was a no call no show, that they don't need an employee like him, and he is not welcome back, and Cas' stomach sinks lower and lower as the call ends. 

He slumps onto the couch, dropping his phone next to him. He needs that job. There's no way he can survive with just his one part time job at the coffee shop. Regardless of how he's felt in the past, he's never been this careless with work. He always shows up on time, always puts his best fake face on, and always does his job, because he needs it. 

The urge to die, disappear, leave everything behind is back, his chest aches, and he wants to cry. 

Cas had basically forgotten Dean was there until he slides onto the couch next to him, wrapping his arm around Cas' shoulders. "What happened?" 

"They fired me because I didn't show up." Cas says quietly, shame coursing through his body. He's a failure, always has been always will be. 

"It's okay. It'll be fine." Dean says, pulling Cas closer against him. 

Cas pulls back and stands up, pacing the floor. "No it won't! You don't get it, I needed that job. I know this place is a hole. It's tiny and falling apart and shitty, but it's mine. It's the only thing I have, and I won't be able to keep it." He can feel anxiety gathering in his chest, panic seeping in. 

"Cas, calm down a second, okay?" Dean says, standing up and stepping in front of Cas, stopping his pacing. "Come on, just take a breath." 

Taking a deep breath, Dean breathes with him, slow and deep. In, out, in, out. He can feel the panic subsiding as he stares into Dean's deep green eyes. 

"Okay" Cas says once the beginnings of the panic attack have faded. "Okay." 

Dean is quiet, biting his lip as they stare at each other. His presence is calming, and Cas is feeling a bit better. He can figure it out, he'll just have to find another job. 

"Can I ask you something?" Dean says, and Cas nods. "Do you like living alone?" 

That's an odd question. "I've always been alone, Dean." He answers, because it's true. There's never been anybody there for him. 

"Okay." Dean says, shifting around on his feet. "I know that's how you feel, but you're not alone. I'm here." Dean shakes his head. "Anyway, I was asking because, well, you know my apartment has two bedrooms. And I really just don't think you should be alone anymore. It's not good for you. After what happened last night... God Cas I almost lost you." He's rambling, and Cas is trying to sort through what he's saying because he's talking so quickly. 

"I'm sorry" Cas says, because what else can he say? He is sorry he put Dean through that. He never wanted him to know. 

Dean shakes his head again. "You don't need to apologize. I just, well, what I'm trying to say is that if you don't want to live alone, if you don't care to give up your apartment, you could come stay with me. Live with me. Not temporarily, but like you move in, use the other bedroom. It's just sitting there, empty. Then you wouldn't have to worry about getting another job, and we can focus on helping you through whatever is going on inside your head." 

There are so many thoughts tumbling around Cas' mind now. Dean is asking him to move in, to give up this hellhole with the rats and the corrupt landlord, the peeling walls, the closet door that falls off every time he opens it, the water that's brown unless you let it run for a while. He's asking him to give up being alone, and the pain and silence and nothingness that comes with that. 

But how can he? How can he be around Dean all the time without putting all of his problems on him? It shouldn't be Dean's responsibility to fix him. To fill the hole in Cas' chest that only subsides when he's near. He can't do that to him. He's too fucked up. 

Cas is shaking his head before he even comes up with what to say. "I can't." 

"Why?" 

Cas shakes his head again and closes his eyes, at a loss for words. How can he explain this? 

"Hey, look at me." Dean says. He waits until Cas is looking at him before he continues. "If you're saying no because you don't want to, because you want to stay here, or you don't want to live with me, then I understand." He takes Cas' hand. "But if you're saying it because of the same reason you said no to my question last night, because you think you deserve to be alone, that you're somehow not good enough, or you think I don't deserve whatever is happening with you, then please don't say no. We can make it work. I want you there."

He can't wrap his mind around that. Dean wants him there. He wants to help, to pull Cas out of this downward spiral that is his life. And god, Cas wants that. He wants that so much. He is so tired of feeling lost and alone and worthless, and Dean is offering to be there. 

For once, Cas wants to do something to stop his pain. 

"Okay" he says, without even realizing he's agreeing. Once the word is out of his mouth though, he feels a little better. 

Dean's face only makes that little spot in his chest brighter. "Okay?" He asks, a smile pulling at his lips. 

"Yes, Dean. Okay." Cas replies, and then he's being pulled into a hug. He sinks into it. Until last night, he hadn't been touched by someone in so very long, really as long as he can remember, and it just feels too good to resist. "Thank you," he says, muffled into Dean's shirt. 

Cas feels a kiss pressed to his temple, and he revels in it, soaks up the moment, the touch, the care that Dean is giving him. "Thank you" he says again. It's not just a thank you for taking him in, or saving his life, but for giving him something he's never had. Giving him someone who cares. Those two words will never be enough. 

Minutes later, Dean breaks their silence. "We should go out and get some boxes, start packing you up. We can move you as soon as you'd like." 

A small bubble of anxiety curls in Cas' chest. "You're sure about this?" He asks. He has to make sure. 

"Positive," Dean says, cupping Cas' face. "Absolutely positive." He leans in, and Cas' anxiety shoots way up, along with an extremely unfamiliar feeling, but Dean only tilts his head down a little and presses a kiss to his forehead.


	3. Chapter 3

They do what Dean suggested and go out to collect boxes, taking Dean's car. He doesn't have all that many possessions, so they don't need too many, and they're back at his apartment within a couple hours. 

They're packing, Dean in Cas' room and Cas in the bathroom, when Dean starts talking through the open doors. "We can probably get a lot of this in my car, but your bed and stuff we'll have to wait to get a truck." 

"I have a truck," Cas says, shoving stuff from the medicine cabinet into a box. 

Dean stands in the doorway a moment later. "What?" 

"I said, I have a truck." Cas repeats while Dean looks at him bemused. 

"Really? I didn't know you drove, I've never seen you." 

"Ah, yeah, I only drive it when I have to. It's old and makes weird noises, so I usually just walk." Cas replies, turning back to keep packing. 

"Well that makes it easier then. We can get you moved in today." Dean leaves the bathroom again, and after a moment Dean says loudly "I'll look at your truck too, see what's wrong with it." 

"That's not necessary." Cas says, already knowing it's pointless. He's learning that once Dean sets his mind on something, there's no stopping him. It's also growing increasingly harder for Cas to say no to him, which isn't really a bad thing, it's just different. 

"Yeah, well, it's happening. Now get back to work" Dean says, mirth in his voice. Cas rolls his eyes to himself, but he can't help the small smile that pulls at his lips. 

\-- 

It's actually kind of pathetic how little time it takes them to pack up Cas' entire life. They have everything loaded in the truck and the Impala by mid afternoon. 

Dean's waiting by the cars as Cas takes one last look around the place that has been his home for more than three years. The place he came to when he had nowhere else. The place that saved him from life on the street, sleeping wherever he could find, trying to protect himself and the few measley possessions he'd had at the time. 

It's bittersweet, this goodbye. He was never happy here. In fact, his entire time here has been spent alone and miserable. But it was his. It was the only place he's ever had that was his own. A place where he could escape the loneliness of being around people, into the loneliness of being by himself. 

Anticipation and worry start to fill him. This is for the best, and he knows things will probably be better, but he can't help but be worried about what will happen. About what happens when Dean gets tired of him, realizes he's a broken useless fucked up mess and wants him gone. Where will he go then? No way will his landlord let him come back after leaving with no notice, and he can't go back to living on the street. He can't. 

He can feel his chest start to ache, the truth of those thoughts slamming into him hard. He's breathing hard, trying to catch his breath, tears filling his eyes. He can't do this. This is a mistake. He can't get comfortable living with someone else only to be turned away again, especially not by Dean. 

Dean, who's suddenly in front of him, holding Cas' face in his hands. "Jesus Cas, what happened?" Dean says, worry in his words. "Come on sweetheart, it's okay." He pulls Cas against his chest, and Cas slumps against him, still trying to catch his breath. 

"I can't do this." Cas says, forcing the words out. "I can't. You're going to see, and then you won't want me there. You'll realize how futile this all is. I can't live on the street again, Dean. Please don't make me." 

"Oh, no. Cas, honey, listen to me. No matter what, I promise you I will never ever let you be homeless. I didn't even know you had been." Dean takes Cas' face in his hands again, staring into his eyes. "I promise you, I won't let anything happen to you. I need you to trust me." 

Dean's eyes are so open and honest, and Cas feels his breathing even out, something new and almost hopeful pushing away some of the pain in his chest. Dean wipes away the one escaped tear on his cheek, and kisses his forehead again. "I promise, Cas, I will do everything I can to help you." 

Cas just nods silently, and then Dean takes a hold of his hand and gently guides him to the door. He takes one last look around, before closing the door on his old life. 

\-- 

Moving his things into Dean's apartment goes pretty quickly. They get his bed, tv, dresser, and bookshelves set up in his room, then lug all the boxes up. He'd left his shitty loveseat and coffee table behind, and he didn't even own a kitchen table or desk. 

Once everything's settled into his room, not unpacked but at least there, Dean leans against the wall. "I'm fucking starving. You hungry?" 

"Not really," Cas says as he pulls clothes out of a box, more of an automatic response than an actual observation. 

"Well, I'm cooking anyway." Dean replies, turning and leaving the room. Cas rolls his eyes, but finds he's not annoyed, not even a little bit. Dean's energy is a refreshing change from his previous suffocating loneliness.

As Cas unpacks more of his things and the room is beginning to look like his, an enticing aroma surrounds him and his stomach rumbles. It's becoming an annoying habit of his body over the last couple days, going from never being hungry to his stomach demanding food on a regular basis. He knows it's because of Dean, as the only time he's ever felt like that has been around the man. 

Cas makes his way out to the kitchen, where Dean is pulling something out of the oven. He sets it on the counter, then turns around, smiling when he sees Cas. "Couldn't resist the smell, could you?" He says grinning. 

"You're annoyingly persistent in your goal to get me to eat all the time." Cas replies, with no heat behind his words. 

"Yep," Dean says, grin growing wider. "You'll love this. I know we usually order takeout when you come over, but I figured since you're living here now you may have to get used to my cooking." 

Cas walks further into the kitchen, peeking over Dean's shoulder to see what he made. "I didn't even know you could cook." What looks like a large dish of macaroni and cheese is sitting there, with some kind of cheesy bread crust. It looks amazing. 

"Oh yeah, I cook all the time." Dean says, pulling bowls out of the cabinet. "You cancelled a lot, so when we'd get together, I just wanted to hang out with you, not worry about cooking, spending half the time in the kitchen." 

Guilt floods through Cas at those words, the sadness in Dean's voice. "I'm sorry." 

"Hey, no, it's okay. I get now why you did it. It must be hard for you." Dean sets the bowls on the counter and starts scooping noodles into them. 

"It was. It is. I just get so tired, it's hard to make myself do anything." Cas says. It's weird to talk about it, he's never talked to anyone like this before, but it's almost cathartic to say the words. "Once I was here, it was good. I always like being around you. It's just finding the energy to get out that's the problem." He almost wants to tell Dean just how much those times together mean to him, how much Dean's helped him just by being there. How he's the reason Cas never ended his life. He doesn't though, because that's too much. Too much on Dean, and too much baring his soul. 

Dean hands Cas a steaming bowl, and they head into the living room, sitting down on the couch. "That won't be a problem now that you're here permanently." 

Permanently. That's a word Cas doesn't know well. Nothing good is ever permanent in his world. 

He doesn't say anything, instead taking a bite of his food. As soon as it hits his tongue, he's pretty sure he's in heaven, pretty sure he hasn't tasted anything this good ever. 

Once he swallows, he says "oh my god, is there bacon in this?" 

Dean laughs, and it's a beautiful sound. "Of course, there's no other way to make mac and cheese." 

Dean flips on the tv and puts something on that Cas doesn't even pay attention to, caught up in devouring his entire bowl. When it's empty, he looks down at it sadly. 

"I made plenty, if you want more." Dean says, and Cas looks up to see Dean watching him. 

"Probably not a good idea." Cas replies, already feeling the effects of eating so much so quickly. "Thank you, this was very good." 

"Any time" Dean says with a fond smile on his face. 

They sit for a while longer, and when Dean finishes his food, Cas takes their bowls into the kitchen. He puts the leftovers in the fridge, and he's washing the bowls out, along with the cooking dishes, when Dean comes up behind him. 

"You don't need to do that." 

"You cooked." Cas says. "I should clean." It's strange to feel this urge to do something. It's been so long since he's even had the energy to get out of bed, but Dean just brings something out in him. 

"Thanks Cas," Dean replies. 

Cas finishes washing up, puts the dishes in the drying rack next to the sink and turns around, only to startle seeing Dean leaning against the counter behind him, watching him. 

"What?" Cas asks, thinking maybe he did something wrong. 

Dean shakes his head. "Nothing. This is just really nice." 

"Oh." Cas says, unsure of what part of this Dean is talking about. He's sure Dean has friends over all the time, people always in his space, working together. 

"I'm glad you moved in." Dean says quietly, looking down at the floor. "Really glad." 

Cas feels better than he has in a long time, and he knows it's because of this. Because of Dean, because of moving, because he's trying instead of just existing. "Me too." Cas responds, and when Dean looks back up at him his breath almost catches, the happiness in Dean's eyes overwhelming. 

They stay like that for too long, or maybe not long enough. Cas feels warm in places he hasn't ever felt, feelings he doesn't even know how to name inside of him. He starts to feel anxious, trying to sort through it all. Finally he tells Dean he should unpack some more, and hurries out of the kitchen, all but escaping, Dean looking almost disappointed behind him. 

\-- 

That night, Cas lays down in bed, pushing around the events of the last two days in his head. He's tired, but it's a different kind of tired. Where normally he's fatigued from just living, tonight his body and mind are so full it's dragging him down into sleep. His muscles are sore from all the moving, his stomach is full from the food, and his mind is full from the care and affection Dean has shown him. 

He wants to bask in this, to savor it, but he knows it can't possibly last. Nothing is ever fixed that easily.


	4. Chapter 4

Living with Dean is easy in a way that nothing has ever been for Cas. 

Cas starts picking up more hours at the coffee shop when he's not in class, and Dean works quite a bit at the auto shop, and when they're both home they hang out, watch movies or tv shows. 

The depression and urges are still there, still always present, but they're like a dull ache in the back of Cas' mind instead of surrounding his every thought and action. It's different, this trying at life thing, but Cas thinks he could get used to it. He finds himself laughing, genuinely laughing, more than he ever has. He's eating more, putting on a little weight that he knows is making him look and feel better. 

The most noticeable change though, in the week since he moved in, he hasn't once taken a sharp object to his skin. Sometimes, late at night when he's laying alone in his bed, the need washes over him, but it's not suffocating like it always has been. He wants to, but he finds the will to push it down and think about something else. Think about Dean. How Dean would feel if he saw it, how worried or disappointed or upset he'd be. It's usually enough to stop it. 

He's clinging to Dean, and he knows it. Knows that it's not healthy, or right, and knows that this can't last forever. But Dean is there, and it feels good, for once in his life, to have someone show the kind of caring Dean does. So Cas let's it happen, even knowing that once it's over, once Dean moves on, it'll be worse than it ever was. 

It's Saturday, Dean's taken the afternoon shift at the garage, and Cas only worked a few hours that morning. Hanging around the apartment by himself is still lonely, not nearly as lonely as his old place had been, but it's still hard. Without Dean's larger than life personality filling the rooms, Cas doesn't know what to do with himself. 

He figures he can go to the grocery store, and maybe attempt to cook Dean dinner. Dean has been so great, cooking them something almost every night, and though Cas hasn't really cooked all that much in his life, he wants to do something nice. Something to show Dean that he appreciates everything he's done, and everything he's still doing for him.

Grabbing his wallet, phone, and keys, Cas heads downstairs to his truck. He hates taking it, it makes him anxious with it's weird noises, but the store is even further from here than it was from his old apartment, and he doesn't know how much stuff he's going to be getting. 

Climbing in the cab of the truck, Cas gets himself settled then turns the key, expecting it to take a few times to turn over. It doesn't, it starts right up, a pleasant rumble filling the cab. 

"What the hell?" Cas mumbles to himself. There's no loud clanking or grinding noises, and the engine sounds like it should. 

Confused, Cas pulls out of the parking lot and onto the road. He makes it to the store, does his shopping, and makes it back to the apartment without a single problem, but no answers as to how his truck is suddenly fixed. He's pretty sure Dean's behind it though.

After putting everything away, Cas does some homework until it's late enough that Dean will be home soon, so he starts on dinner. After some internet searches, he'd found promising instructions for bacon grilled cheese, and he's pretty sure he can pull it off. 

He bakes the bacon, because the person online suggested that would be the easiest way to do it, and they actually come out perfectly crispy, much to Cas' surprise. 

Next, he assembles the sandwiches and starts grilling them up. The first one comes out kind of burnt on one side, but otherwise it seems okay. He turns the heat down, and the next couple are perfectly brown, and at this point Cas is pretty proud of himself. 

He's just putting the last one in the pan when the front door opens and Dean walks in. "Oh my god, that smell is coming from here?" Dean says, setting his things down, kicking his shoes off, and making his way into the kitchen. "What're you doing?" 

"It's called cooking" Cas responds drily, refusing to take his eyes off the sandwich, because he knows the second he does it'll burn. 

"Okay smartass. I didn't think you cooked." Dean says, poking his head over Cas shoulder. 

"I don't" Cas flips the sandwich, and is happy to see it's just as perfect as the others. 

Dean stands there watching until it's finished, Cas pulling the others out of the oven where they were keeping warm. He sets them on the table with a bag of chips and plates. He asks what Dean wants to drink, and grabs a soda and water from the fridge, sitting down and motioning for Dean to do the same. 

"You didn't have to do this," Dean says, already taking a huge bite of the sandwich.

"I know. I wanted to." Cas replies, picking up his own. 

The noise out of Dean's mouth startles him. "There's bacon in this," Dean says happily, drawing Cas back to that night a week ago when he made almost the same declaration. "So good. I thought we were out of bacon. Actually, I thought we were out of most of this stuff." 

Cas swallows his food before answering. "We were. I went grocery shopping." He sets his sandwich down. "I took my truck." 

The look on Dean's face answers his unasked question. "Oh yeah? How was that?" Dean says, overly nonchalant, before stuffing his mouth with another bite. 

"I'm pretty sure you know." Cas answers, and watches as Dean's face turns a little red. "Dean?" 

Dean sighs, setting his own food down. "Okay, okay. I fixed it." 

"Why? When did you even do that?" 

"Because, you were nervous driving it and I don't like that, and I could do something about it." Dean says, picking at his sandwich now. "You know earlier this week, when I came home really late?" 

Cas does remember that. He was pretty sure Dean had been on a date, as he hadn't said anything about where he was when he came home. Cas had felt an inexplicable sadness then, and that was one of the worst nights he'd had this week. 

"Yeah, I did it then. After my shift was over, I came back here. You were showering, so I kind of stole your keys and brought your truck to the shop." Dean says shrugging, like it's no big deal. 

"You didn't have to do that. You should at least let me pay you for it." Cas says. 

"Nuh uh, absolutely not. It's really not a big deal. Just make these sandwiches more often, and we'll call it even." 

Cas feels grateful tears well up in his eyes, and he pushes them back, not wanting to embarrass himself. "Thank you Dean." He says quietly, looking down into his plate. 

When he looks back up, Dean is staring at him with an unreadable look on his face. It takes a moment, but when Dean realizes Cas is looking at him, he blushes and silently digs back into his dinner. 

The rest of the evening is nice. They finish dinner, Dean washes the dishes ("you cooked, I clean"), then they watch a movie until Cas can't keep his eyes open. He excuses himself to go to bed, then lays there for far too long thinking about the look on Dean's face. 

\-- 

It's a week later when Cas sees that look again. They're sitting on the couch, knee to knee, having the stupidest debate over whether water is wet or not. Dean says that water in itself is wet, and Cas insists that it's not wet, it just makes solid materials wet. 

Then Cas gets into a detailed explanation of how something being wet is defined by liquid sticking to it, and liquid cannot stick to liquid, therefore water isn't wet. He goes on to explain how molecules stick together, and how cohesive forces are also responsible for surface tension, and how that all factors in. 

As he finishes his tangent, he realizes Dean is staring at him with the same look he'd had during dinner the week before. It's soft, fond, reverent, and it makes Cas' heart beat faster, his skin warm up. 

"Sorry" Cas says, a bit embarrassed that he rambled on for so long. 

Dean just smiles at him. "Don't apologize, I like listening to you." 

They're staring into each other's eyes, and Cas hasn't let himself think about the night that started everything, but this moment is reminiscent of it. He wonders what Dean is thinking, if he's remembering the way Cas is, how Dean had asked him out and Cas had run away so fast. 

A charged feeling runs through him, unfamiliar and exhilarating, and he realizes in that moment that he wants Dean. He wants him as more than a friend, or a roommate, or whatever else they currently are. He wants more, he wants it all, and he wants to be selfish for once in his life. 

He can feel the tension between them, wants to lean into it, the magnetic pull that's urging him to be closer, to touch, to feel. Dean's leaning in a little, eyes flicking down to Cas' lips, and he can't help the thrill that courses through him. Dean's going to kiss him, and he wants it. He wants it. 

A knock on the door makes Cas jump, heart pounding hard against his chest, and all his reservations about being with Dean slam back into him full force, making him lose his breath. 

"Damnit" Dean mutters, getting up to answer it. 

Cas can't see behind the door, but he hears the voice and he knows who it is. "Dean, hi." She says happily. 

"Uh, hey Anna." Dean says, and Cas is already up off the couch. He hurries to his room, closing and locking the door behind him. 

What the hell was he thinking? He was going to kiss Dean, and all the reasons why he shouldn't, why he can't do that just flew out the window. And of course Dean is seeing someone. Cas wasn't sure, as he's almost always home when he's not at work. Dean never talks about it, and he never brings anyone home, but that doesn't mean anything. She's here, why else would she be here? 

The hole in his chest that had started to slowly fill suddenly feels hollow, he feels incomprehensibly sad, defeated. Tears well up, and he doesn't stop them. 

It's stupid, really fucking stupid, and he knows that. Knows that trying anything with Dean would be a mistake, would be putting Dean through shit he doesn't deserve, but it doesn't make it hurt any less. 

He wants it, but he can't have it. Even if Dean wasn't seeing someone, he still couldn't have it. He's not worthy of it, of Dean, of anything other than being alone. 

Slowly walking to his bed, Cas sinks down onto it, closing his eyes. His body itches to dig something into his skin, and he reaches his fingers under the cuff, scratching at what has almost healed. 

It's pathetic, he knows it is, feeling this way over something so insignificant. Over a guy. But it's Dean. Dean who's been there for him, who's taken him in and cared about him, and given him things he's never thought he could have. Dean who is bright sunlight, and endless energy, and happiness. 

He scratches some more, wanting to pull the cuff off, but he doesn't. He doesn't because he knows if he does that he won't be able to stop it, and he needs to stop now before it goes too far. 

He can't let this ruin all the work he's done to keep himself together, but he can't understand why this hurts so much. It's just a girl. He's seen Dean date, a lot, and it's never hurt this much. He's got to pull it together. Prepare himself for nights alone in an empty apartment. 

Goddamnit he's a pathetic dramatic mess. 

It's not much longer before Dean is knocking on his door. "Cas?" 

He breathes for a moment, collects himself before answering. "Yeah?" He says, proud of how steady his voice is, no matter how he's feeling. 

"You alright? I thought we were gonna watch a movie." Comes the muffled reply. 

"I'm fine, just tired." He wants to tell Dean it's okay if he goes out with Anna instead of hanging here with him, but he can't bring himself to tell that lie. 

"Oh" Dean sounds almost disappointed. "Okay, well if you change your mind, I'll be up for a while." 

"Okay." Cas says, then waits until he hears Dean's footsteps moving away from his door before turning the light off and sinking into his bed. 

He just needs to distance himself, make it easier to let what he wants go.


	5. Chapter 5

The next few days are awful. Cas avoids Dean as much as possible, only seeing him in passing. He asks to pick up even more shifts at the coffee shop, working every day after classes, and goes straight to his room when he gets home. He pretends to be asleep whenever Dean knocks on his door, and only says a quick hello before rushing out the door in the morning. 

The look on Dean's face hurts whenever he does this, but he needs to. He needs to keep that distance, keep himself from wanting Dean more than he already does. 

Five days he does this. Five very long very lonely days, and he's feeling worse and worse every day, sinking back into the blackhole of his depression. 

Dean's at work, according to his note. He's taken to leaving Cas notes every day, telling him where he's at, and it makes him feel even more guilty. Dean has been nothing but kind and thoughtful to him, and he's treating him like shit in return. It's selfish and childish and wrong, but he doesn't know what else to do. 

Sighing to himself, he strips down and goes into the bathroom, hopping in the shower. The hot water is nice, but it does nothing to loosen his tight muscles, the stress building inside him. He cleans quickly, then gets out, wraps a towel around himself, and heads to his room. 

He's almost dressed, just about to pull his tshirt over his head when he hears the front door close. He'd left his bedroom door open, because Dean wasn't supposed to be home for a while yet, and he quickly pulls the shirt on, hoping to get to the door before Dean notices. 

No such luck. Seconds later, Dean is standing in his doorway staring at him. 

"Hello" Cas says awkwardly. Dean looks upset, somewhere between concern and indignant. 

"What's going on with you?" Dean asks, and Cas can tell he wants to be angry, but his distress and worry is what comes through. 

"Nothing, just getting ready for bed." Cas says, adjusting his shirt. 

"At six thirty?" Dean asks quizzically. 

"Yeah, just tired. Been working a lot." Cas feels awkward, ashamed, and guilty. He shifts on his feet, and tries to keep eye contact, but he can't. He drops his eyes in disgrace. 

"Cas" Dean says quietly. Cas tears his eyes away from the floor to look back into Dean's. "Why are you avoiding me? I'm sorry, for whatever I did. What can I do to fix it?" He looks so heartbroken, and more guilt washes through Cas. 

Fuck, how could he do this again? "You didn't do anything." Cas says quietly. His fingers twitch, wanting to grab onto Dean and never let him go. Dean's eyes flick down to his hands, and his brow furrows. Cas realizes that he hasn't put his cuffs back on since his shower, wrists bared, all his scars for Dean to see. He quickly shoves his hands behind his back. 

"Hey" Dean says gently, stepping further into the room, closer to Cas. "You don't have to hide from me. You don't have to hide any of it." 

Cas let's his hands fall to his sides, and Dean steps even closer, taking Cas' wrists into his hands. His thumb traces over the scars on each of them and Cas can't look into Dean's face, humiliated. 

"These are all healed. You haven't-" Dean says, sentence trailing off. 

Shaking his head, Cas says "no" quietly. 

"That's really great. I'm proud of you." Dean brings Cas' left wrist up, pressing a kiss to the skin there. The warmth of his lips sends fire crackling through Cas' body, settling into comfort in his chest. Dean kisses the other wrist, then lowers Cas' hands but doesn't let them go. 

"Cas, please tell me why you've been avoiding me. Is it because of the other night? When we almost- when I-" Dean takes a deep breath. "I'm sorry if I scared you, I don't know what I was thinking." 

"No, that's not it. I wanted to." Cas says, before he can even think about it. He pulls his hands away and takes a step back. "I wanted to, but then your date or whatever showed up, and I remembered why it was a bad idea, why I can't let myself." 

"Okay, hey, first of all, what date?" Dean says, looking confused. Cas doesn't answer, and Dean ponders for a moment before realization dawns on his face. "Anna? Jesus Cas, I'm not dating Anna. Hell no. She's crazy. She asked everyone who knows me where I live until someone finally told her, and she showed up here and basically threw herself at me, said some bullshit about her feeling a connection and how she knows I feel it too. It was insane." 

Dean steps closer to Cas again, but doesn't reach out this time. "Even if she wasn't crazy, I'm still not interested. I'm not interested in anyone. Well, anyone else." 

Cas finally looks up at Dean, watching the emotions play over his face. "Why is this a bad idea?" He asks gently. 

"I'm not good for you," Cas says. "Nor good enough for you. I can barely keep myself together, let alone a relationship. You deserve better than that." 

"Sweetheart" Dean says, reaching out and taking Cas' hand. "That's bullshit. You're amazing. But if you're not ready, then that's okay too. It won't change how I feel, and I can wait." 

Shaking his head, Cas tries to pull away again but Dean holds on. It's actually really nice, the grounding pressure on his hand. "You don't need to do that." 

"I know." Dean says. "But that doesn't change anything. I'm here for you in whatever way you need me, even if that is just a friend, right now or forever." 

How did he get so lucky, to have someone like Dean in his life? He'll never know, but he makes a promise to himself to try to be the best he can for Dean. 

Before he realizes he's moved, Cas' arms are wrapped around Dean, and Dean's come up around him, and he's soaking up the warmth and comfort Dean is providing once again. 

"Now, are you done avoiding me?" Dean asks jokingly, but Cas can hear a bit of nervousness in his voice as well. 

"Yes." He says, muffled into Dean's shoulder where his face is pressed. Dean smells good, he feels good, but Cas knows he needs to let go now, so he does. 

"Good, because I missed you." Dean doesn't give Cas a chance to respond, which is good because he doesn't even know what to say to that. He just turns around and leaves the room, and Cas hesitates a second before following. 

"I'm gonna cook dinner," Dean says from the kitchen. "But I wanted to ask you something first." He turns around to face Cas, and Cas tilts his head quizzically. "Uh, so you know Thanksgiving is next week?" 

He really hadn't. It's been so long since Cas has celebrated any holiday, he really doesn't pay attention. Christmas is the only one that ever really affects him emotionally, because so many people are full of happiness and family, but the rest tend to slide on by without notice. 

When Cas shrugs his shoulders, Dean huffs out a little laugh. "Okay, well it's next week. On Thursday" Dean says grinning. 

Cas rolls his eyes, because obviously it's on Thursday, but he feels his lips twitch into a small smile. "Alright." 

"Anyway, I'm gonna be going to my parents house Thursday morning. I'll probably stay the night, I usually do. We end up staying up late, playing games, watching movies and stuff." 

So a night being alone in the apartment. Cas can handle that. He's basically been alone this last week anyway, even when Dean was here. "Okay. Thank you for letting me know." 

Dean rolls his eyes this time, but smiles. "Cas, I'm trying to ask if you wanna come with me." 

"Oh." Oh he didn't expect that. Thanksgiving with Dean and his family? Can he do that? 

Dean continues talking when he sees Cas hesitate. "I told them about you, that you're my new roommate, and we've been friends for years, and that you don't really have family to spend holidays with. They insisted I let you know you're welcome at their house, that they're happy to have you. It's a lot of fun, and it's not too many people. Just my parents and my brother. My aunt, uncle, and cousin too. Well, they aren't actually related, but they may as well be. But, anyway, it won't be too overwhelming." 

Cas is biting his lip and shifting around nervously. Being around a family during a holiday? That could be a very good or a very bad thing. Seeing how happy and loved people are. How much their family means to them. Even when Cas was still at home, he didn't get to do the holidays. His parents usually went out, or on vacation, and generally just acted like he didn't exist. 

"I'd really like you there." Dean says quietly, and that's what does it. After everything Cas has done to Dean, it's the least he could do. It's not like he had plans anyway. 

"Okay. I'll go." Cas says. 

A second later Dean basically whoops in happiness and scoops Cas into a quick hug. "Awesome! I'm so happy. Thanks Cas." He says, letting Cas go. 

Cas feels flushed at the attention, at how something so simple could give Dean so much joy. 

"Alright, now about dinner." Dean says, turning back to the fridge.


	6. Chapter 6

The week goes by far too quickly for Cas, and the closer it gets to Thursday the more nervous he becomes. 

Being around people is hard enough. Being around a happy family, during a holiday sounds even harder. Make that family Dean's, people he loves, and Cas is about ready to have a panic attack every time he thinks about it. 

What if he can't handle it? What if he's as socially awkward and weird as he usually is? What if he says something stupid, or rude without realizing it, as he's prone to do? What if they don't like him? 

That last one is what really starts to get to him. He doesn't know why it's so important to him, but he wants Dean's family to like him. He doesn't want these people to see the true disaster he really is. The broken pathetic thing he's been for so long.

Wednesday night is when it really hits him. Dean is sitting on the couch with a book in his lap, the pies he's making for the next day in the oven. The apartment smells like cinnamon, apples, and buttery pastry, and normally the scent would be calming, but all it's doing now is reminding Cas about tomorrow, amping up his anxiety. 

Cas storms out from his bedroom, startling Dean and making him jump. "I can't do this. I can't go." He says, pacing the floor in front of the couch. 

"Goddamn Cas, scared the shit out of me." Dean says, hand over his chest. He drops his hand and takes in Cas' face, what he's sure is a frazzled look and wild hair. "What's wrong? What happened?" 

"I can't go with you tomorrow. I'm sorry, I thought I could do it, but I can't." Cas says, stopping in front of Dean and holding his hands out in a gesture to make him understand. 

"Okay, what happened? I thought you wanted to go?" Dean asks, brow furrowed in concern. 

Cas drops his hands and begins pacing again, letting his fears tumble from his mouth. "I'm awkward, and weird. I talk about random things for far too long, and don't know how to take social cues. I'm a mess, Dean. It's just, it's a bad idea, okay?" 

He only stops pacing when Dean grabs a hold of his hand, keeping him in place. Dean tugs on him until he's pulled down next to him on the couch. "Take a breath a second" Dean says, as Cas turns to him, opening his mouth to continue his rant. He snaps his lips shut, and takes a couple of deep breaths, not really feeling any better. He's still anxious, and scared Dean will be upset that he's backing out. 

"Look," Dean says, turning to face Cas fully. "I didn't realize you were so upset about this. You don't have to go if you don't want to, of course you don't. But Cas?" Dean waits until Cas is looking in his eyes before continuing. "There is nothing wrong with who you are. You're perfect just the way you are, I wouldn't change a thing." 

Speechless for a moment, Cas finally admits his biggest fear quietly "what if they don't like me?" 

Dean squeezes his hand, which Cas didn't even realize he was still holding, and gives Cas a small smile. "They will, how could they not?" Dean's thumb is running lightly over the back of Cas' hand, and between that and Dean's words, Cas starts to calm down. "I can promise you, if you go, you won't regret it, but I don't want you to feel like you have to. It's completely up to you." 

Sighing, Cas looks down. "It would be rude of me to say I'm going and then not show up." 

"It doesn't matter. If you're not up for it, it's okay, they'll understand I promise. I just don't want you to be here alone tomorrow." Dean says frowning. 

Cas thinks it over for a few moments, wondering how Dean really feels about it. He's far too understanding, so accommodating. He knows Dean just wants to give him a nice holiday, and that he'd never purposely put Cas into a bad situation. Maybe it'll be okay. He'll just have to try really hard to keep himself in check, not embarrass himself or show how screwed up he is. 

Coming to a decision, he nods. "I'll go. I'm sorry I freaked out." 

"No, no there's no reason to be sorry. Are you sure? Please don't feel like you have to." Dean says, and when Cas looks at him he still has concern in his eyes. 

"I'm sure," Cas says with more conviction. "I tend to overthink things." 

A smile pulls at Dean's lips. "I know, but I guess it's better to overthink than underthink, huh?" He says, smirking now. 

Cas rolls his eyes but can feel his own smile forming. "You're a dork." 

"Oh, I know" Dean says, and then they're just smiling at each other. Cas doesn't know how he does it, but Dean has a way of calming him down and making him feel better about almost anything. 

They're pulled out of their staring by the oven timer going off. Dean slowly pulls his hand away and gets up, heading into the kitchen to pull out the pies, and Cas goes back to his room. As soon as he's out of Dean's presence, he starts to feel a little anxious again, but it's not nearly as bad as it was.

The rest of the evening is nice, and when Cas crawls into bed later that night he feels like he can handle tomorrow. 

\-- 

Wide awake before the sun has even risen, Cas rolls out of bed groggily. He didn't sleep much, and what little he did was fitful due to nerves. 

He's sitting on the couch drinking his, probably regrettable, third cup of coffee and staring blankly at whatever's on the tv when Dean finally pads out from his room. Cas feels Dean's hand skim across his shoulders as he walks behind the couch, sending a shiver of goosebumps down Cas' neck, and when he looks, Dean's eyes are still half closed as he makes his way to the coffee pot. 

They still have a while before they need to leave, so Cas is surprised Dean's even up this early, but figures he's just excited to see his family. He watches Dean pour a cup of coffee, take a drink, then head over to the couch to sink down next to Cas. 

"How're you feeling this morning?" Dean asks him in his rough morning voice, and Cas feels another shiver go through him. 

"I'm okay," Cas says, setting his now empty cup on the coffee table. 

Dean looks at him, and Cas can see concern on his face again. "You sure? You look tired." 

"I just didn't sleep very well, but I'm fine, really." Cas replies. When Dean just stares at him some more, and Cas huffs "I promise." 

"And you're sure you're up for-" Dean starts, but Cas cuts him off. 

"Seriously Dean, I'm fine." Cas says. He knows Dean's just making sure, but it's still too early and he's too overtired for this. Maybe he should try to nap before they go. 

"Alright. Maybe you should sleep a little before we take off." Dean says, like he read Cas' mind. "You all packed?" 

He'd packed last night before bed, so he nods, covering a yawn. "Maybe I will lay down for a few. This coffee isn't doing anything." He gets up, shoots one last look at Dean, still half asleep on the couch, and makes his way to his room. He curls up under the covers, sets his alarm for an hour, and wills himself to sleep so he can make sure he doesn't make an ass of himself later. 

\-- 

When Cas' alarm blares in his ear, because his dumb ass left it on the pillow, he groans and rubs his eyes. It's only been maybe thirty minutes since he fell asleep, but at least he got something. He rolls out of bed, gathers his towel, and heads to the bathroom. 

A hot shower helps, Cas scrubbing his body and hair thoroughly, before he gets out and wraps the towel around himself. He heads back across the hall to his room, and stares at the clothes he'd picked out last night to wear. 

A pair of dark jeans, grey undershirt, and light blue button up sit on his bed, and he contemplates them for probably the tenth time, wondering if it's too formal, or not formal enough. What does one wear to a family holiday meal? It's more color than he's used to, but he doesn't want Dean's family to judge him by his mostly black wardrobe. 

Biting his lip, Cas picks them up and begins dressing, taking one last look in his closet before he gives up and just pulls them on, snapping his wrist cuffs into place under the sleeves. He looks on the mirror on the back of the closet door, grabs some gel, and attempts to tame his unruly hair into something less like he just rolled out of bed. 

It's really an impossible feat, but he gives it his best shot before he calls it good, wipes off his hands, and heads out to the living room with his bag. 

Dean's in the kitchen placing the pies into a bag when Cas comes in, dropping his stuff by the front door on his way. Once the pies are settled, Dean sets the bag on the breakfast bar, and looks up at Cas. "Hey, you-" Dean starts, but pauses as his eyes scan Cas' body from head to foot. 

Shifting uncomfortably under the scrutiny, Cas is worried that maybe he didn't dress appropriately. Dean is wearing a pair of jeans, a tshirt, and a flannel, so maybe he should've gone more casual? 

"Is this not okay? I can change." Cas says, turning away to head back to his room. He knew this was a bad idea. He's already fucking up. He feels a hand grasp his arm, and he turns back around. 

"No. Jesus no, you don't need to change." Dean says quickly, dropping his hand to his side. "I'm sorry, you just... Uh, you look really good." Dean blushes a little, and Cas isn't sure why, but Dean's words make his stomach flip, which is an unusual feeling. 

"I didn't know what to wear." Cas says, looking down at himself. 

"It's perfect," Dean says, and when Cas looks back up at him, he's blushing even more. After a moment, Dean clears his throat and turns back to the counter. "You ready to go?" He asks, gathering the pie bag. 

"Yes, I believe so." Cas replies, heading to the door. He pulls his boots on and grabs his black jacket, the one that usually stays in his closet in favor of hoodies, and slides that on too. 

When he looks up, Dean is staring at him again, but he quickly turns away and opens the door. "Alright, let's hit the road." Dean says, something strange in his voice. Cas shrugs it off and follows Dean down to his car.

  
  


\-- 

The drive from KSU to Dean's childhood home is less than an hour and a half, but spending that long in a confined space with Dean is interesting. Cas knows his feelings for Dean are deepening. He'd thought he may have loved him before, but ever since Dean saved him, ever since he moved in, he's been feeling more. 

Everything Dean does sends Cas' mind spinning, his stomach tumbling, and he's never felt things like this before. The smell of his body wash makes Cas want to lean over and take more of it in, Dean's fingers tapping on the steering wheel makes him want to reach over and take his hand. 

Cas doesn't know what to do with these feelings. He knows what Dean wants, he's made that fairly clear, unless he's changed his mind. But Cas knows he can't go there, no matter how much his body is screaming at him to just close the distance. He knows that, in the end, things could never work out, and he could never put Dean through that, even though he wants it so much. 

He has to push the feelings down, not let them bubble over, and keep control of himself in Dean's presence at all times. Which, currently, is extremely difficult as Dean is smiling amazingly and singing along with some old rock music coming from the speakers. 

He looks beautiful, the morning sun shining on him through the car windows, hands loosely gripping the wheel, so at ease in his own skin that Cas is almost jealous of how easily Dean can just relax. 

He wishes he could. His body feels tense, and he's trying so hard to keep his nerves at bay, knowing that if he doesn't, he'll probably end up embarrassing himself even more than if he's calm. 

Cas hears his name, and comes out of his thoughts, realizing he's still staring at Dean. He forces himself to look away, out the windshield, begging his body not to betray him and blush. "Yes?" He asks. 

"Just making sure you're alright. You were spacing out a little." Dean says, and Cas is grateful he doesn't bring up that Cas was staring at him while he was lost in thought. 

"I'm okay." Cas replies, and when Dean side eyes him, he sighs. "I'm still nervous. I just don't want to mess this up and embarrass you." He says honestly, though that's not the whole truth. 

"I told you, you won't. Just be yourself, and it'll be fine. My family is easy." 

Dean then goes on to tell him a bit more about them. About his brother who's four years younger, his parents, his pseudo aunt, uncle, and cousin. He learns a lot about them, and after a while, Cas realizes he's not tense anymore. 

The rest of the drive is pleasant, and Cas knows he could get used to this, sitting next to Dean in the Impala, talking, the open road in front of them. He has to push those wistful thoughts down though, as it's unlikely to happen again. This is a one time thing. 

The car slows down as they pull into a suburban neighborhood, and Cas can feel his anxiety picking up. They're almost there, and he has to get himself in check, and quickly. 

"So, this is where I grew up," Dean says, pulling into the driveway of a nice two story white house. 

Cas looks up at it, taking in the front porch, porch swing, light blue shutters, and bushes outside. He imagines in the spring the garden will be teeming with flowers, and wishes he could see it then. Imagining Dean running around the yard as a child, friends chasing after him, laughing and playing like there's nothing in the world to worry about; it makes him nostalgic for a childhood he's never known. 

"It's lovely," Cas says quietly, willing himself to pull it together. This is about Dean, and Dean's family, and not ruining their holiday. He smiles, and Dean smiles back, beautiful and brilliant, shining light into Cas' soul. 

"Alright, let's do this," Dean says, turning the car off and climbing out. Cas follows slowly, and they pull their bags out of the trunk. They're climbing the front steps before Cas is ready, and then Dean's opening the front door and they're stepping inside, and Cas' heart is in his throat. 

They step into a foyer, a staircase in front and to the right of them, to the left is an open doorway that Cas can see leads to the living room, and a hallway straight ahead that looks like it goes to the kitchen. The house is warm and inviting and smells like what Cas imagines a Thanksgiving meal should smell like. It smells like a home. 

The door is barely closed behind them when a woman comes walking down the hallway from the kitchen, wiping her hands on the apron tied around her. She's beautiful, blonde hair tied back, eyes as green as the man next to him. 

"You're here!" She says happily, pulling Dean into an embrace. "I missed you." 

"It's only been a couple months" Dean replies, and Cas can see the back of his neck turning red as he says quietly "missed you too mom." 

They break apart, and she turns her eyes to Cas. "You must be Cas. I'm Mary, it's nice to finally meet you." And then she's pulling him into a hug. It takes Cas by surprise, and it's a few seconds before he raises his arms around her. 

Being hugged by someone other than Dean is new and strange. Being hugged by a mother is overwhelming. She's warm and soft, her arms surrounding him, and he can feel affection pouring off of her. He can't help the tears that well up in his eyes, and he quickly pushes them back before she can pull away and see them. 

"Hello Mary, it's nice to meet you as well." Cas says, letting his arms fall to his sides as she releases him. "Thank you for having me." 

"Of course, we're glad you're here." She says, looking him over with a soft smile before turning back to Dean. "I've got your room all set, with the air mattress on the floor. You can stash your stuff in there and then come back and help me in the kitchen." 

Dean nods, motions for Cas to follow him, and then they're heading up the stairs. 

At the top of the stairs, Dean turns left and opens the first door on the right hand side, Cas following him in. There's a bed against the far wall, an air mattress next to it with a small space in between, and all the classic bedroom furniture; nightstand, dresser, bookshelves, desk, along with band posters interspersed with photographs. The room is pretty cramped with both beds, but it's cozy and Cas can picture younger Dean here. 

"Yeah, so this is my room." Dean says, needlessly. Cas realizes he's been silently studying it, and turns to Dean with a smile. 

"It's nice" Cas replies, taking another couple steps into the room. "It's very you." 

"Thanks" Dean walks over to the air mattress and sets his duffle on top. "You can have the actual bed." He says, and Cas wants to argue but when he opens his mouth to do just that, Dean gives him such a look that he snaps it closed and gives a small nod before placing his own bag on the bed. 

Another minute later Cas is following Dean back downstairs and down the hallway into the kitchen. 

The kitchen is a large welcoming room, overrun by food. There are ingredients and dishes everywhere, and at the center of it all stands Mary and a tall boy with long brown hair, whom Cas assumes is Dean's brother Sam, based on the description he'd received. 

"Dean!" The boy shouts, running around the island counter and all but tackling Dean in a hug. 

Dean laughs, wrapping his arms around him. "Sammy!" Dean says, and Cas has never seen such a big smile on his face. 

Sam rolls his eyes. "It's Sam," he says, much to Dean's amusement, before turning to Cas. "Hey, Cas right?" 

Cas smiles and holds his hand out to shake, but Sam laughs and throws his arms around him, and Cas realizes this is a hugging kind of family. It's weird, and different, and if he's being honest with himself, it's really nice. Cas hugs him back, and when they separate Sam heads back over to the counter to continue what he'd been working on. 

Before long, Mary's put both Dean and Cas to work, though she'd told Cas it wasn't necessary, he insisted he wanted to help. Cas really is an atrocious cook, but Dean's been teaching him things here and there since he moved in, and Cas believes he's getting better. He thinks he can handle this, with Dean by his side. 

"So, where's dad?" Dean asks, doing something with what looks like cooked sweet potatoes as Cas peels regular potatoes next to him. 

"Oh, he fell asleep on the couch. You know how he is on Thanksgiving" Mary replies, but there's a fondness to her voice that Cas envies. 

Dean dumps the sweet potatoes into a mixer with butter, brown sugar, and pecans, and Cas is transfixed watching it. 

"Did you just add sugar to those?" Cas asks tilting his head. 

Laughing, Dean turns on the mixer and looks at him. "Of course. You've never had them like this?" 

Cas shakes his head, and continues to watch Dean, his potatoes almost forgotten in front of him. 

"Oh just you wait" Dean says. Once the mixer finishes, Dean scoops out the contents into a baking dish and pours marshmallows over the top. He laughs again at Cas' perplexed look. "I promise you'll like it." 

Shrugging, Cas goes back to peeling his potatoes. He's actually never done this before, but it's not as hard as he thought. It doesn't take too long, and he's just finishing the last one when a man comes into the kitchen. 

"Smells good in here" he says, and Cas looks up to take him in. It must be Dean's father, John, as Cas can see an uncanny resemblance between the two. "Dean, good to see you." He says, and Dean's smiling and heading around the counter to hug him. 

"Hey dad," Dean says, turning to Cas. "This is Cas." 

"Hello sir" Cas holds his hand out for John to shake, and he takes it. 

"John, good to meet ya" John says. When he drops Cas' hand, he looks around the kitchen, eyes landing on his wife. "You need any help?" 

"No, we've got it covered. You can go back to watching the parade." Mary says, a twinkle in her eyes and a smirk on her lips. 

John huffs a mix of fake annoyance and a laugh, and Cas can see the love between the two of them, the connection that years of being together has formed between them. "Yeah yeah" John says, as he turns around and heads back to the living room. Dean rejoins Cas at the counter, and they get back to work. 

Making a Thanksgiving meal is apparently a long process with a lot of work, but between the four of them, Cas finds that it's actually a lot of fun, and the time passes quickly. 

All three Winchesters have a wonderful dynamic to them, working around each other easily, like they've done this countless times, and Cas tries to stay out of their way, but they're all sure to include him just as much. 

It warms Cas' heart some, being around a family like this, but it also makes him a little melancholy. He's never had this, he will never have this. This isn't his family and he's just a guest here, but he soaks up what he can, storing it in the back of his mind to pull out later when he needs a good memory. 


	7. Chapter 7

Dinner will apparently be eaten sometime in the afternoon, which perplexes Cas, but he assumes this is a normal thing for the holiday so he just rolls with it. They spend a good portion of the morning in the kitchen, and around noon more people show up. 

There's no knock on the door to indicate their arrival, just three people wandering into the kitchen from the front of the house. Cas is surprised, but Dean had said they're like family, so maybe they feel just at home in this house as Dean does. 

It gets very loud very quickly, with everyone talking at once, greeting and hugging each other. Dean introduces Cas to Ellen, Bobby, and Jo, his extended family in all but blood, and they are very nice people. Ellen and Jo both hug Cas and welcome him, and they're kind and energetic. Bobby shakes Cas' hand, and at first Cas is worried because he seems like a gruff older man, but Dean had told him that Bobby is actually a teddy bear at heart, though he was warned not to say that to Bobby's face. 

Cas can feel the love radiating between each family member, and he feels out of place, like he shouldn't be here, he shouldn't be witnessing this. He's tempted to quietly sneak out of the room during all the commotion, but then Dean is by his side, and a sort of calm washes over him. 

"You doing alright?" Dean asks, voice low, leaning in so only Cas can hear him. 

Giving a tight smile, Cas nods. "I'm okay. Your family is very nice." 

"They're a little crazy, but they're mine and I wouldn't change anything," Dean says, eyes scanning the room, taking in the scene. John has come in to join in the group, and Cas can see how happy this all makes Dean. 

Having no idea how it feels to have a family who actually loves you, Cas just watches. It again makes him despondent, sad that he never had this, but he's grateful Dean does because he deserves it. 

\-- 

Things finally settle down, and the meal finishes cooking. Dean and his brother set the table off to the side of the kitchen and everyone but Cas and Mary are relaxing in the living room. 

They'd invited him to watch the game, but when Cas had thrown Dean a desperate look, he'd quickly told them Cas was needed in the kitchen. It's not that he didn't want to, Cas was just worried he'd say or do something wrong, and without Dean around who knows how tense he would've gotten. He doesn't know these people, not really, and it's hard enough around people he does know. 

It's not long before they're putting the food on the table, and everyone gathers around taking their seats. Cas sits between Dean and Sam, who he's gotten more comfortable with over the last few hours, so he's glad for it. 

There's more food on the table than Cas has seen since his parent's fancy parties back when he was forced to go. But, where those had been small bite sized proper portions made by a caterer, here is nothing but delicious fatty home cooking. 

Everyone piles their plates as full as they can and then some, and then they're all digging in. Cas thought maybe they'd pray before eating, as his family had done, or go around saying what they're thankful for, as the movies had shown happens during this holiday, but neither of those things happen, and honestly Cas is happy he doesn't have to do that in front of all these people. The only thing he's grateful for is Dean, and saying that just isn't an option. That would be mortifying. 

Conversation starts up, and unfortunately for Cas, there are questions directed to him. He should've expected that, been prepared for it, he's new to these people and they're bound to want to get to know him, but as soon as it starts he tenses up, worried about revealing too much about himself. 

It starts easy, Mary simply asking him what he's studying, and he responds with literature, because that's technically his major. He was foolish and did not anticipate that she would want to know what he plans to do with his degree, so he falters. He has no plans. He never planned a future in which he lived long enough to use his studies for anything. 

Cas stumbles, and just spews out several jobs he knows you can get with his degree. "Uh, editing maybe? Possibly teaching. Or writing. I enjoy writing." When he realizes most everyone at the table is staring at him he blushes and looks down at his plate. "Honestly I'm not sure yet." He says, embarrassed. 

"That's okay sweetie" Mary says, and when he peeks up at her she's smiling. "Sometimes it takes a while to figure out what you want to do with your life. As long as you're getting what you want out of your schooling, the rest will fall into place." 

Cas let's the words flow through him. They're wise, and they make him wonder if he is getting what he needs from school. He loves the knowledge, the research, the ability to escape to an alternate reality through other people's words. But he wonders if he can't get more out of it. He's in his last year, and has never even had the energy to think further than the next few days. He's never wanted to, until now. 

Another conversation starts up, thankfully not focused on Cas, and Dean leans over toward him. "I didn't know you liked to write." He says quietly, just between the two of them. 

"Oh" Cas says, unsure of what to say. He does write, but he hasn't been lately. He used to try to use it as an escape, something other than a blade to his skin to get all his feelings out, but it never really worked. He always went back to sharp edges and blood. "I'm not very good" he finishes with, hoping Dean won't ever ask to see any of it. 

"I'm sure you're great," Dean replies, before focusing back on his food. 

Things are going smoothly. Cas is having a nice time, he's spent the meal actually talking and he doesn't think he's made any grave errors. They're finishing eating, Dean almost bouncing in his seat at the mention of pie. That's when it all goes to hell. 

It's an innocent question really, one that any normal person would ask if they didn't know the circumstances, and if Cas hadn't been caught so off guard with it, he probably could have handled it better. As it stands, he is not prepared when it's asked. 

"So, Cas" Ellen says from across the table. He looks at her, and she's smiling kindly, curiosity on her face. "Your family was okay with you spending the holiday away from them?" 

Cas freezes, feels like a deer in headlights caught in her stare. It feels like a bucket of ice water has been dumped over his head, and all the food he's consumed wants to come right back up. He's spent the entire day without his father's cruel voice in his head, he's enjoyed himself, enjoyed being around a family, and now... Now he feels like he's nothing but a fake. A pathetic loser without a family, a charity case to be brought in and fed and sent on his way. 

If they knew about him, what would they think? If they knew the reason his family disowned him, how much of a loser he really is. If they knew how Dean had found him on the bathroom floor and how he'd lost his job and how he moved in with Dean to avoid being homeless, how would they feel? 

He knows he should say something, knows by the concerned look coming over Ellen's face that he's fucking this up even more than he ever expected to, but no words will form. He opens his mouth and closes it again, because he doesn't have an answer. At least, not one that he wants to give. 

Cas' eyes flick to everyone else at the table, and they're all staring at him, some with confusion some with concern. His eyes finally land on Dean next to him, and he looks worried, what seems like a little bit of pity in his eyes. Cas doesn't want his pity. He really should've never even come here. 

"Excuse me" Cas says quietly, standing up and hurrying away from the table. 

"Cas" he hears Dean say from behind him, but he doesn't stop. Once he's in the hall, he sprints up the stairs and into the bathroom Dean had pointed out earlier in the day, locking the door behind him. 

This was a mistake. Why didn't he think about the fact that people would ask questions about his family, especially surrounded by their own? And why did Dean have to look at him with pity? Cas knows he's nothing but a huge mess, but he doesn't want people to feel bad for him. This is his life, he's accepted it, he's dealing with it the best way he can. This is why he's always kept to himself. 

He wants to go home. But going home means pulling Dean away from his family, and he absolutely will not do that. It's bad enough he's already ruined their dinner, he won't take the rest of it away from them. No, he'll just stay up here, out of the way until it's time to go tomorrow. 

Cas is leaning against the counter, avoiding looking at himself in the mirror and the tears he knows have fallen down his face, when there's a soft knock on the door. 

"Cas" Dean's voice. When Cas doesn't answer, Dean tries again. "Hey, please let me in. I'm so sorry, I should've told them not to ask such personal questions, I just didn't even think about it. Please let me in." Cas still doesn't answer, and Dean tries one more "please". The sad broken sound of it hurts Cas' heart more than anything else could have, so he relents and unlocks it. 

The door slowly opens, and as soon as Dean's inside, he closes it behind him. He takes in Cas' face, the tear streaks that are most likely there, and immediately gathers Cas into his arms. "Oh sweetheart, I am so sorry." 

Cas let's Dean hold him, wrapping his arms around Dean's middle and burying his face against his chest. He doesn't want to need this, but the calmness that comes over him in Dean's arms makes him not pull away, makes him bury himself even deeper into Dean. 

"I'm sorry" Cas chokes out, holding back more tears. "I ruined your holiday, and I'm sorry." 

"Hey, no, no you didn't." Dean says, hand running through Cas' hair now. "I promise you didn't. That was my fault."

Shaking his head, Cas responds. "No. It's a normal question, I don't know why I handled it the way I did. I'm so embarrassed." 

"Don't be. You have no reason to be. Ellen feels bad that she asked, but it's my fault. I've told them family is a touchy subject, so nobody will bring it up again." Dean's arms tighten around him. "Will you come back down?" 

He can't. He can't face them after that. Can't see the looks of sadness and pity in their eyes for the pathetic lonely boy without a family. "I can't." 

"Cas" Dean says, pulling back a little to look into Cas' face. "Nobody here is going to judge you for what happened. Nobody thinks any differently of you. You'll see. They're good people, they don't form opinions on your past, only who you are now. And who you are is an amazing beautiful brilliant man. They know that, they see that." 

Staring into Dean's eyes, so honest and open and lovely, Cas is overcome with the urge to kiss him. To feel his lips against his own, to gather Dean's courage and warmth to him. To finally just give into his wants. 

But he doesn't. He can't, because Dean deserves better. This day has just given more proof to that. "Will you come back downstairs, please? There's pie, and I made it so I know it's good" Dean says, a smile playing at his lips. 

Cas is still hesitant, but with Dean looking at him all pleading and beautiful, it's all but impossible to say no to him. So Cas nods, and Dean's smile gets even bigger. 

With one last hug, Dean let's Cas go, wipes off his face, and heads out of the bathroom, Cas following him downstairs. 

When they enter the kitchen, the only one in there is Mary, putting leftovers into the fridge. She turns around when she hears their footsteps, and Cas can see concern on her face for only a moment before she's smiling. "Hey boys, you want some pie?" Mary asks. 

"Hell yeah" Dean replies, pulling Cas further into the room. 

Mary is transfering pie to a couple of plates, and Cas still feels so bad and embarrassed about the way he acted, and he can't stop the words that tumble out of his mouth. "I'm really sorry," he says quickly. "About all that" he finishes with a general wave of his hand. 

Mary pauses in her task and looks up at him for a second, before she's walking around the island to stand in front of him. 

"Oh honey, you don't need to apologize, it's really okay." She says, then she's wrapping her arms around him in a hug. Cas hugs her back, and it's a long moment before she releases him. A long moment of Cas soaking up a mother's affection. He can feel Mary's understanding and warmth in the hug, and it makes him feel better, but it also makes him wonder what it would've been like growing up with these kinds of hugs. 

Mary pulls back and places a hand on his face for a moment, before releasing him completely. "Now, let's get you some desert, because Dean will probably collapse if he doesn't get some pie in him soon." She says, rounding the counter to finish her task. "Pecan or apple?" 

The pie is just as good as Cas expected it to be, as Dean had made it, and he eats up every bite. Dean goes back for a second piece, but Cas still feels a little nauseous about the whole thing, so he declines and watches as Dean enjoys his own creation. 

Afterwards they head into the living room where the rest of the family is, and Cas is nervous again, wondering how they all reacted to his disappearing act. 

He shouldn't have worried. When they enter the living room, a football game is on the tv, and they're all sitting on various couches and chairs talking. Conversation doesn't stop or even quiet when they enter, and Dean leads Cas to one of the couches where Sam is and they sit down. 

Sam turns to Cas and launches into a description of a book he just finished reading, which Cas has also previously read, and after a while Cas doesn't feel awkward or tense anymore. 

\-- 

The afternoon and evening are nice. Dean's extended family leave sometime in the early evening, and Ellen gives Cas an extra long hug, and he's grateful she doesn't bring up what happened earlier. 

They have leftover Turkey sandwiches for dinner, and sit around watching Christmas movies. "It's Thanksgiving, which makes it officially the start of Christmas season," Dean tells him. There's popcorn and candy, and at some point a mug of hot chocolate is placed in his hands with a smile from Mary. 

It's the kind of holiday evening Cas has always seen on tv but has never experienced, and it's lovely. 

Eventually, John and Mary head upstairs for bed, and Cas finds himself yawning and nodding off on the couch. It's been a long and eventful day, more activity than he's used to, and he's exhausted, but in the best kind of way. 

Being jostled, Cas opens his eyes. Apparently he'd dozed off against Dean's shoulder. "Hey sleepy head. Sorry." Dean says quietly, looking down at Cas. "You wanna head to bed?" 

Looking up into Dean's eyes, Cas realizes that he's so close. Mere inches from Dean's face. Half asleep and relaxed, he feels comforted and warm and like he just wants to snuggle up with Dean forever. He wants to kiss him whenever he wants, and hold him and be held by him, and he wonders again why he keeps resisting the pull Dean has over him. 

Before he can do something he normally wouldn't if he had been fully awake, Cas nods and reluctantly pulls his head from Dean's shoulder. They both stand up, and Cas looks over to see Sam deep asleep on the other couch. Dean throws a blanket over him, which twists something in Cas' chest, and they head upstairs. 

Getting ready for bed goes quickly. Cas uses the bathroom first to change into pajama pants and a long sleeve shirt, and brush his teeth, and Dean does the same while Cas climbs into bed. He feels guilty taking Dean's bed, but when he comes back and Cas tries to tell him he'll take the air mattress, Dean silences him and climbs into it. 

They say goodnight, and Cas listens as Dean's breathing evens out, letting himself sink into unconsciousness lulled by the sound. 

\-- 

Waking with a start, Cas gasps in a breath, heart racing. He can feel tears on his face, and the pull of his nightmare trying to drag him back in. He barely remembers it, just the crushing feeling of loneliness. Endless eternal loneliness. 

Cas doesn't realize he's still struggling to gulp in air until the bed is dipping next to him and Dean's hand is on his arm, warm and soothing. 

"It's okay," Dean whispers. Cas reaches up blindly, pulling Dean down against him. Dean adjusts until both his arms are encircling Cas, and Cas presses his face to Dean's chest, a choked sob escaping his throat. 

Cas is shaking, he can feel it, but he can't stop, clinging tighter to Dean, willing the lingering reminiscence of the dream to go away. He hates feeling so exposed around someone else, all his feelings out there for Dean to see, but it's too much. He can't stop. 

"Nightmare?" Dean asks, and Cas nods. "You wanna talk about it?" Cas shakes his head no. He can't explain it, the feeling of utter and complete isolation. 

In Dean's arms, Cas starts to calm down. His breathing returns to normal, his heart rate slows, and eventually his shaking stops. Dean holds him through it all, stroking his back, his hair, offering comfort the way he knows best. Cas finally feels like he can loosen his grip, so he does, hands going slack but not moving from their place around Dean. 

A while later, Cas is just beginning to let sleep take him again when Dean starts moving, pulling away. Cas' hands tighten in his shirt automatically, not wanting to let him go, needing him to keep the dreams away. 

"Okay, hey, I'm not going anywhere." Dean says. "I was just adjusting a bit." 

Loosening his grip again, Cas looks up into Dean's face. He's beautiful, and perfect, and right there, and suddenly Cas is wondering why he's pushing this down, this feeling of completion when Dean's around. The way Dean makes him feel whole in a way he's never felt. Cas wants him, and he can have him, he's right there. So very close. 

Eyes flicking down to Dean's lips, Cas inches upwards, bringing their faces closer together, heart pounding again for a very different reason. He's going to kiss him, he wants to, and he's not going to let himself hold it back anymore. 

Dean's hand comes up to cup Cas' cheek, thumb running over his skin, and it feels wonderful and perfect, and Cas is so close now he can almost taste Dean's breath. 

Before Cas can close the last inches between them, the pressure from Dean's hand increases, and Dean's pulling away, tilting his head up to press a kiss to Cas' forehead. Rejection hits him like a ton of bricks, dread and embarrassment flooding him, and Cas shrinks back into himself. 

What the hell had he been thinking? Of course Dean doesn't want him. He'd said he did, but he must've realized how bad of an idea it is. Cas is broken, he will always be broken. 

Cas pulls away, needing to get out of there. He wants to cry and scream and do things that he's been trying so very hard not to do because he's pathetic. He'll never be what Dean wants. He'll never be what anyone wants. 

Scrambling backwards, Cas is desperate to get out of the bed, but Dean is holding tightly to him, not letting him go. 

"Cas, wait." Dean says, as Cas struggles to free himself and escape. "Please, just hang on a second." They're both sitting up now, and Dean's arms are still around him, keeping him from moving further away. 

Distressed tears threaten Cas' eyes, and he tries hard to keep them at bay, not let them fall and show just how badly he knows he messed up, how horribly he misread everything. 

"Let me go" Cas chokes out "please". 

"Let me explain'' Dean says, still not loosening his grip. Cas doesn't want to hear the explanation, he already knows, and hearing Dean say it is only going to make him feel worse than he already does. But Dean isn't letting him go, and Cas doesn't want to accidentally wake anyone else up, he doesn't want anyone else to witness his shame. 

Cas stops trying to get away, and Dean loosens his grip just a little, but not enough for Cas to pull away again. Cas doesn't look at him, he keeps his eyes closed, head bowed, wanting to disappear into the floor. 

"Will you please look at me?" Dean asks, and Cas can't, he doesn't want to. He doesn't want to see the pity in Dean's eyes when he lets him down, when he explains why this is a bad idea, because Cas already knows. 

"Okay, don't look at me, but please listen" Dean sighs, and Cas braces himself for it. "I'm sorry, I handled that badly, I just wasn't expecting it. It's not that I don't want to Cas, god you've gotta believe me because fuck I really do. Just, not like this. Not when you're hurting and vulnerable. I'm not gonna take advantage of you that way." 

They're the right words, but Cas doesn't believe it. This is just Dean letting him down easily. God is he really that messed up that Dean can't just tell him? 

"I know exactly what you're thinking," Dean says, and Cas feels his hand on the side of his face. "And it's not true." Dean turns Cas' head until it's facing him, but Cas doesn't open his eyes. "I've wanted you since the first time I saw you, more than three years ago now. And after I got to know you, I wanted you even more. Every time we hang out, every time I listen to you speak so passionately about something, every time I'm struck stupid by how fucking intelligent and gorgeous you are, I want you." Dean's thumb caresses Cas' cheek. "I want you, but I want you to want me when you're ready. Not when you've had a nightmare, not when you're feeling lonely, not when you need me. I need you to want me, not need me." 

When Dean finishes, Cas can feel a tear slide down his cheek. Dean has it so wrong. "I've always wanted you, even before I needed you" Cas whispers, so quietly he's unsure if he's even said the words out loud. 

"Cas" Dean says, voice so full of emotion Cas can almost feel it. He blinks his eyes open, and Dean is staring at him with wonder on his face, and Cas doesn't know what he did to deserve such a look. 

Dean wraps his arms back around Cas, pulls him against his chest, and Cas goes willingly, let's himself be enveloped. They stay like that for a long time, just sitting there holding on to each other, until Cas begins to fall asleep. Dean lays them both down, and Cas worries for a second that he'll go back to the air mattress, but he doesn't. He just pulls the blanket up around them, gathers Cas against him, and they fall asleep wrapped in each other. 


	8. Chapter 8

Cas is very warm waking up. Opening his eyes slowly, he blinks against the bright sunlight streaming through the windows, and sees his head is still pillowed on Dean's chest, as if they hadn't moved at all throughout the night. 

Moving slowly and gently, Cas adjusts so he can see Dean's face, slack and peaceful in sleep. It hits him that he almost kissed Dean last night, he would have if Dean hadn't stopped him. He still doesn't know if it was a good idea or not, but he's kind of glad now that he hadn't. 

That would've been their first kiss, if they ever do end up kissing, and having it during a moment of overwhelming negative emotions is not how Cas would want to remember it. Not only that, it would've been Cas' first kiss. 

He's sure Dean doesn't know that, nobody does. There had never been anyone before Dean that he wanted to kiss. With everything in his life so messed up, himself included, being with someone in a romantic way has never really crossed his mind, not until Dean. 

Pushing those thoughts aside, Cas takes one last look at Dean before carefully untangling their limbs and slipping out of bed. He quietly makes his way to the bathroom, then to the stairs, wondering if anybody else is up and if he can get some coffee. 

When Cas enters the kitchen, Mary is sitting at the table with a mug and a laptop open in front of her. She looks up with a smile, and tells Cas there's coffee made if he wants some. Once he's fixed his cup, he takes the seat across from her at the table and attempts to wake himself up with caffeine. 

Halfway through his cup, Mary closes the laptop and looks at him, and he can see she wants to say something, which worries him. After what happened yesterday, he can only imagine what Dean's family thinks of him, even though she'd said it was okay. 

Cas tries not to look away, not to be a coward as he waits for her to gather her thoughts. "Can I say something?" She asks, and Cas nods, mentally preparing himself for the worst. 

"I don't know your past, what you've been through, or what happened. What I do know is that Dean cares for you. He likes you, I can see it in the way he looks at you, talks to you." She takes a breath, fiddling with the mug in front of her, and Cas gets worried. 

Do Dean's parents know he likes guys? Do they have a problem with it? It sounds like the beginnings of a 'leave my son' alone speech, and Cas' heart rate picks up, wondering what he's going to do if Dean's mom asks him to back off. 

Mary looks back up at Cas, and he can see kindness in her eyes, calming him some. "I can see you like him too. The way you are around each other, well I don't think I've ever seen him like that." She's staring at Cas, understanding in her eyes, and she looks so much like Dean in this moment it almost takes his breath away. "I want you to know that it's okay. Whatever you decide to do about it, we support Dean." 

It's like she knows about his past, his worries, his parents, and she wants to reassure him. It's so very kind, and not at all what Cas was expecting. 

He doesn't know what to say, but it seems as if she's not done. "I also want you to know that no matter what, you are welcome here, any time. If you need something, or just want to talk, you can come to me." 

Unbidden tears well in Cas' eyes at her words, a warmth in his chest for the gracious woman in front of him offering a mother's kindness. 

"Thank you" Cas says, tears in his voice, when it seems like she's finished. 

Mary nods once, then takes a slow sip of her coffee. When she sets it down, she smiles at him. "So, the boys will be up soon, what do you say you help me with breakfast?" 

\-- 

Cas is standing at the stove next to Mary, and she's showing him how to know when a pancake is ready to be flipped. When Cas had told her he didn't really know how to cook, she immediately whisked him to the counters and told him that she'd show him. 

It's unusual, strange to be this close to someone other than Dean. To have someone care enough to show him things, teach him things, give him kind words that resonate in his heart. But here he is, spatula in hand, ready to flip the batter when the bubbles are just right. 

Mary says it's ready, so Cas flips it and gets irrationally excited when the pancake is perfectly golden. He lets out an unintentional laugh, and Mary smiles at him, bumping him with her hip. 

"See? Perfect." Mary says, and Cas feels fondness for the woman next to him. When the pancake is done, Cas scoops it up with the spatula, depositing it on the plate next to the stove. He turns a little, seeing someone in the corner of his eye. 

Dean is leaning against the doorway, watching them, a soft look and smile on his face. "Good morning," Dean says. The look does things to Cas, and he can't stop the smile that spreads across his own face. 

"Oh hi honey" Mary says. "Breakfast will be ready soon." She nudges Cas, and he turns back around to pour more batter into the pan. 

After Dean gets some coffee, he sits down at the table and Cas can feel his eyes on him. It makes him a little nervous but he actually enjoys it. Enjoys knowing Dean is watching him. Not long after, Sam and John wander in, and Cas and Mary are loading the table up with the food they'd made. 

Breakfast is a nice quiet affair. Everybody is still waking up, so there isn't much talking, though plenty of pleased noises so Cas knows the food they made is good. When they're all finished, Sam and Dean offer to do the dishes, so Cas sits quietly at the table and watches them, while John and Mary head off to the living room. 

Watching Dean interact with his brother is really something. Their dynamic, the way they talk to each other, play around and tease each other, it's really a beautiful thing. Cas can't even begin to imagine what it's like to have that kind of relationship with someone. 

Thoughts of a future with Dean float through Cas' mind, picturing them coming here for every holiday, family gatherings. Warmth and joy throughout the house. He imagines getting older, growing closer to Dean's family, becoming a part of it. 

It's terrifying and lovely and it scares him, but it makes him want something he's never thought he could have. 

Cas is still lost in his thoughts when Dean appears in front of him, apparently having finished the dishes. Cas looks up at him, and Dean is smiling widely. It's a good look for him, Cas can't get enough of the happiness rolling off him, and he wishes he could always be here to see it. 

"So, we have the whole day, anything you wanna do?" Dean asks, sliding into the seat catty corner to him. 

Cas shrugs. "What would you normally do today?" He asks. 

"Well" Dean says, a pondering expression on his face. "Usually I just hang out here. Sometimes Sammy and I play video games or whatever. Sometimes we start decorating for Christmas. It just depends on if dad feels like dragging the boxes down from the attic or not." 

"We could do that," Cas responds. 

"Which part?" Dean asks with a laugh. 

"All of it." Cas says. "We can bring the decorations down for your dad if you want, put them up, play games with your brother. It all sounds fine." 

"Yeah, okay, sounds good to me. Let's do it." Dean says excitedly, jumping up from his chair, pulling Cas up and dragging him from the room while laughing. 

\-- 

Moving boxes down from the attic is not as exciting as Dean acted like it would be, but if Cas is being honest, he actually enjoys it. He and Dean work side by side digging the boxes out, stacking them by the stairs, and bringing them all down to the living room while Mary and John organize them. Sam hops back and forth between helping Dean and Cas, and Mary and John, and the work goes quickly. 

By the time all the boxes are downstairs, Cas is a sweaty dusty mess, but he hasn't felt so lighthearted in a very long time. His pants are covered in grime, he can feel sweat dripping from his face, he's positive his hair is standing on end, and he cannot wipe the smile off his face. 

Dean looks just as rough as Cas does, but to Cas he's never looked more beautiful, happiness shining through it all. 

Cas is in the living room, down on his knees untangling a huge ball of lights that Mary had handed him when Dean comes up to him. 

"I think we both need a shower." He says, and Cas looks up to see dirt smudged across Dean's cheek. 

"I think you're right. You go ahead, I'll take one when you're done. Just wanna finish this." Cas replies, holding up the half untangled mess. 

Dean nods and takes off up the stairs, and Cas gets back to his task. It's a mindless thing to do, and his thoughts wander again while he works, pictures of this house covered in lights, a Chrisrmas tree in the front window, Dean and his family all opening presents. In his mind he wants to be there, but that's hard to picture. He doesn't know if he'll ever even be able to come back here. 

By the time Dean comes back, freshly showered, water still dripping from his hair, Cas has the ball completely unraveled. He tells Dean he's going to shower now, and heads upstairs. 

When he's sufficiently cleaned, and redressed, Cas walks down the stairs slowly, starting to feel all the work they did in his muscles. He hasn't had that much physical exertion in a while, aside from moving his meager belongings into Dean's apartment, and he realizes he's probably going to have to take it easy for a few days, let his body adjust. Maybe he should start running again. It's been a long time, but he always enjoyed the rush of endorphins he got while pushing his body to its limits. 

At the bottom of the stairs, voices float over to him from the living room, and Cas smiles when he hears Dean and Sam talking. He's found he loves observing them, the way they act with each other is so unique to anything Cas has witnessed before. 

There's laughter, then quiet for a moment, but when Cas starts walking again Sam's voice comes through and he pauses when he hears his name. "So, Cas." 

"Yeah?" Dean asks. 

"He seems like a good guy." Sam says with a lilt to his voice. 

"He really is" Dean sounds almost wistful. "You have no idea Sammy. The guy is so fucking smart, it's like he knows something about almost everything. And he's funny as hell, in the most sarcastic way. Most of the time I don't think he even realizes he's being funny. And, he's just... He's so nice. I've never met anyone like him." 

There's a long enough pause that Cas thinks they're finished, and he begins to feel guilty for eavesdropping, but then Sam speaks again. 

"You like him." He says, like it's a fact. 

He hears Dean sigh. "I really do. He makes me feel things I've never felt before." 

Not wanting to hear anything else that wasn't meant for him to hear, Cas loudly takes the last step down and walks into the living room. Dean's sitting on the couch, Sam on the floor, and they both look at him when he walks in. 

"Hey, feel better?" Dean asks, looking Cas over. 

Nodding, Cas sits down on the couch next to Dean. "Yeah, that was quite messy." 

"A year's worth of dust will do that." Dean says with a laugh. "So, mom and dad ran out to the garage, I guess a friend was having car trouble, and they said not to decorate without them. We figured we'd play a game or something while we wait." 

"You ever play Mario Kart?" Sam asks, crawling over to the tv stand and pulling out controllers. 

"I've never played video games before." Cas says. Both Dean and Sam turn and stare at him, and he blushes. "It wasn't something I was allowed growing up." He says quietly. 

Dean's eyes turn soft. "Well, we'll go easy on you." Sam passes out the controllers and they explain how to play and start the game up. 

The first few rounds go very horribly for Cas. He keeps hitting the stupid banana peels, and he always forgets he has items to use, but after a while he figures it out and starts dominating. 

After his fourth time in a row finishing in first, Dean huffs. "You hustled me, didn't you?" 

Cas turns to him with wide eyes. "I swear I didn't, it's just a very easy game to figure out." 

A few more rounds later, and Sam sets his controller down. "Well since you're so good at that, you wanna try something else?" He says with a smirk. 

Cas shrugs, and Sam pops in a new game. Super Smash Bros Ultimate comes up on the title screen, and both of them explain how this game works. 

This game is a little trickier, there are so many buttons to use and different moves, so it takes Cas longer to get the hang of it. He keeps getting thrown off the edge by Sam, and Dean seems to be avoiding hitting him at all. 

"Stop coddling me, Dean." Cas says, frustrated when it's just the two of them left, because Dean had focused on killing Sam while Sam took both of them on, and Dean barely attacked him. 

"I'm not." He says, avoiding another hit but not hitting back. 

Cas rolls his eyes. "Yes you are," he says, looking at Dean. Dean looks back, and Cas gets caught up in his eyes, the way the afternoon light is dancing across his face from the window, making the gold flecks in them sparkle. 

It takes Sam clearing his throat for Cas to realize neither of them are playing anymore, so he turns back and attacks Dean, pushing him off the edge and winning the game. 

"Next time, actually play." Cas says grumpily, but he smiles so Dean knows he's not actually upset at him. 

"Yeah? Alright, you asked for it." Dean says with a serious face. "Don't complain when you can't make it two minutes in." 

The next game is over and Dean has won before Cas even realizes what happened. He adjusts in his seat, leaning forward to see the screen better. "Game on." Cas says, as the next round starts. 

It takes a few more rounds, but soon Cas is putting up a valiant effort, and Dean is struggling to win. Sam is out again, and they're both down to their last life, putting everything they have into it. 

Cas hits Dean with a special move, and as Dean's character flies over the edge he tries to bring it back while shouting "no no no no", but it's too late, he's out. 

Sam shouts happily at his brother's defeat, Cas drops his controller in a version of a mic drop, and raises his hands in the air. "Yes! Hah." He says, as Dean groans. 

"Damnit Cas, what the hell?" Dean says, but he's laughing, and Cas is laughing, and it feels so wonderful. 

"What's going on in here?" They hear from behind them, and Cas turns around to see Mary and John standing there watching them and smiling. 

Cas drops his arms, as Dean says "apparently teaching Cas how to play a game he doesn't need help with." 

"Ah, I see," Mary says. "Well be careful, the neighbors may think we're murdering someone in here with all the yelling." Her eyes are sparkling when she and John turn to head to the kitchen. 

Dean leans over and bumps Cas' shoulder with his own, bringing Cas' attention back to him. "Rematch?" He asks. 

"You're on." Cas says, unable to wipe the smile off his face. 

\-- 

They play for a while longer, have some lunch, then decide to decorate. 

Christmas decorating is something very new for Cas. His family celebrated Christmas, but it was all for show. They had professionals come in to make sure the house looked festive, they threw a large party on Christmas Eve for business associates and church members, and they made it seem like Christmas was such a big thing in their house. It wasn't. 

Christmas morning was exactly the same as every other morning. Cas got up, had breakfast in the kitchen alone, then spent the day in his room reading or studying. There was no Santa, no stockings, no presents to unwrap. His parents went out in the evening, and Cas had dinner, once again, alone in the kitchen. 

Watching the Winchester family sort through boxes and boxes of decorations, laughing and joking while Christmas music plays in the background makes Cas realize just how much he missed out on growing up. This is how a family should be. This is how a holiday should be, and Cas is grateful to be a part of it, even just this once. It's a memory he will never forget. 

Though, because of his lacking childhood, Cas has no idea what he's doing. For a while he stands there awkwardly watching, and when Dean hands him a string of garland, he just stands there staring at it for a long minute. 

When Dean realizes that Cas is just standing there, understanding dawns on his face and he comes over, taking Cas by the hand and pulling him over to the fireplace. He explains how to put it up, and they work together to string the fireplace in colorful items. 

Eventually, Cas and Dean end up outside with John, who climbs a ladder up to the roof while Cas and Dean hold it steady and hand him more lights. 

It's a long process, but with Dean by his side, once again the time passes quickly. Soon the house is strung in lights, large plastic reindeer upon the roof, and the tree in the front yard glowing like it's already Christmas. There's red and green garland and multicolored lights around the porch posts and railing, and a wreath on the front door. It's already beautiful, and Cas can only imagine how much better it will look once it gets dark. Dusk is approaching so maybe he'll get to see it before they head home. 

The three of them head inside, which has been completely transformed too. Pine garlands with white lights are framing every doorway and the stair railing. There's Christmas themed knick knacks on many surfaces, a red and green afghan over the back of the couch and snowman pillows nestled on the cushions, and the entire house smells like apples and cinnamon. 

"Wow" Cas says quietly, taking it all in. 

"Yeah. Mom and Sammy work quick." Dean responds. They take off their coats and shoes and head toward the kitchen where they find Mary at the stove. 

"Dinner's almost ready, if you boys are hungry." Mary says, bending down and pulling something from the oven. 

"Freaking starving." Dean's statement is punctuated by his rumbling stomach, and he chuckles. 

They sit down to dinner, a roast with potatoes and carrots. It's delicious, and Cas wonders if Mary cooks every day or if this is a special occasion because of the holiday weekend. 

Once they've eaten, Cas and Dean take over dish duty, working flawlessly together like they do at home. It's so domestic and comforting, to be standing at the kitchen sink with Dean next to him, hands plunged in soapy water. The last couple days have been like a dream, and Cas is afraid once they're home he'll wake up and none of this would've happened. 

As they're putting the last of the dishes away, Mary's voice floats down the hallway. "It's dark enough now, we're turning the lights on." 

A grin breaks out over Dean's face, and he grabs a hold of Cas' hand, pulling him away. Cas has just enough time to slam the cabinet door shut before he's pulled down the hall to the front door. 

Quickly pulling his boots and coat on, Cas is ushered outside onto the front lawn, and it's only once he's there that he realizes it's started to snow. Fluffy white flakes come down, sticking to the grass, and when he looks at Dean he sees them float down, settling into his hair. His cheeks are already rosey from the cold, and his blinding smile once again renders Cas speechless. He has to tear his eyes away when the house is lit up, and he takes in the sight of their hard work.

It's all worth it. The house looks exquisite, shining lights illuminating all the dark corners of the yard, and all the dark corners inside Cas. In this moment, he realizes that there can be more good things than bad in his life, and maybe, just maybe it's time he stops trying to give up and actually live his life. 

It's such a life altering thought that Cas is almost knocked over with it. Maybe he can have a life. Maybe he can have Dean. Maybe he can have the future that he's so recently envisioned. 

Dean's family around them, they stare up at the lights, smiles on everyone's faces. Cas watches as John wraps an arm around Mary's waist and she leans into him. It makes him ache with want for something so comfortable, for someone to be that comfortable with. 

It's not long before the cold starts to seep in through their layers, and Mary, John, and Sam head inside. Cas isn't ready to go in, to break this moment, and it seems as if Dean isn't either as he makes no move toward the house. 

Cas is cold, he can feel it to the tip of his nose, but Dean's heat seeps into him from his side where their arms are almost pressed together. A shiver goes through him, and he can't stop the outward evidence of it. 

"It's beautiful," Cas says, staring at the house, resolutely keeping himself from looking at Dean in the glow from the lights. 

"Yeah" Dean whispers. Cas breaks and turns his head to see Dean staring at him, feeling his cheeks warm from the comment. 

Dean shifts his body until he's facing Cas, taking hold of Cas' arm until they're both turned toward each other. "Gorgeous" Dean says, words surrounded by an ephemeral white cloud that dissipates in seconds. 

Cas' heart is pounding as he stares into Dean's eyes. This amazing sweet stunning man standing in front of him, looking at him like he's worth something, like he means something. It leaves Cas feeling warm even in the freezing cold that swirls around them. 

Dean's hand comes up to cup Cas' jaw, and Cas leans into it, closing his eyes for a moment to soak up the feeling. Soft and gentle, Dean's thumb runs over his cheek. Cas opens his eyes, sliding one hand to rest on Dean's hip, the other covering Dean's hand still on his face. 

"Cas" Dean breathes out, almost inaudible. The lights shine in his eyes, off his skin, and Cas has never seen anything more beautiful. Dean's other hand slides around Cas side to his back, pulling him even closer until they're only inches apart. 

A couple of times before, Cas has thought they were going to kiss, and has been disappointed each time. In this moment, he knows he wants it to happen, needs it to happen. This moment is perfect, Dean is perfect, and Cas wants to finally feel Dean's lips against his own. 

Dean's looking into his eyes, a question in his own, soft and almost unsure, and Cas waits. Waits for Dean to find what he's looking for, because Cas wants this. He wants this so much and he doesn't want anything to stop them this time. 

Cas leans in, only mere particles of air between them, clouds from their breaths mingling together, hands gripping tighter to Dean's hip, to his hand. "Kiss me. Please." Cas whispers. 

Dean leans the rest of the way in and joins their lips. Cas closes his eyes, taking in the sensation, the feeling of finally, finally having Dean like this. Dean's lips are soft and cold, quickly warming up as his mouth moves against Cas', sweet and gentle. 

The feelings that rush through Cas are overwhelming in the best way, and he can't stop the whimper that escapes him as they course through his body. His hand moves from Dean's, sliding down his arm, wrapping around him, pulling him even closer. He can feel Dean's fingers in his hair, grip on his back tightening into his coat, and he can't get enough. Cas opens his mouth a little, wanting more, and he feels Dean lick into him, their tongues touching. 

A shiver goes through him for a completely different reason now as their tongues dance together, feeling, exploring. Cas has never felt anything like this, and he can't imagine not having it again. 

The kiss lasts so long, and yet not long enough. Slowly, Dean pulls back but doesn't loosen his grip on Cas. He presses their foreheads together, and when Cas blinks his eyes open, Dean's are still closed, a small smile resting on his lips. 

"Better than I ever imagined," Dean says, eyes finally opening to stare into Cas'. "Perfect." 

Cas doesn't know if Dean is talking about the kiss, or him, and with the way Dean's looking at him he can feel his cheeks flush even harder. It  _ was _ perfect. 

A voice from the house breaks Cas out of their peaceful moment. "Guys, mom made hot chocolate" Sam shouts out. Cas moves to pull away, but Dean holds tight. 

"Be there in a minute" Dean says, loud enough so Sam can hear him, but he doesn't move. Cas hears the front door close, and Dean smiles at him, big and brilliant. Cas smiles back, happiness filling him, heart full in a way he almost can't process yet. 

Leaning forward once more, Dean places a sweet warm kiss to Cas' lips before finally pulling away, but not completely. His hand slides down Cas' arm, entangling their fingers as they turn to head into the house. 

\-- 

Leaving the Winchester's house hits Cas in a way he didn't expect. It's a sad moment, gathering their things and heading to the front door to say goodbye. John shakes his hand and Sam hugs him, and it's nice. 

Then, Mary hugs him, pulls him close and wraps her arms around him tightly, and Cas returns the hug just as much. He is so appreciative of her, and wishes he had the words to let her know how much. 

Mary pulls back a little, but doesn't completely let him go, hands holding onto his arms and looking into his eyes. "If you don't have any plans for Christmas, you're welcome back here Cas. We would be so happy to have you back." She says. 

Sam chimes in happily, telling Cas that he has to come back, and Cas smiles, feeling warm all over. "Thank you" He says, trying to hold back the grateful tears that are threatening to spill over. He's never felt wanted like this, accepted, and he basks in it. 

Hugging him again, Mary whispers into his ear "remember what I said. Anything you need." Then she's pulling away with a smile and hugging Dean. 

They say goodbye, and Cas is whisked out of the house and out to Dean's car. By the time they're on the road, the exhaustion hits him and he slumps down into his seat closing his eyes. 


	9. Chapter 9

Cas awakens to Dean's voice, his hand stroking gently through Cas' hair. He looks around and sees they're parked outside their apartment, so apparently he slept all the way home. 

"Sorry" Cas says, voice low and rough with sleep. He rubs his eyes and sits up, looking at Dean. 

"It's alright, we had a busy day" Dean says, running his hand through Cas' hair one more time before slowly pulling back. Once the contact is gone, Cas misses it immediately. 

Staring at Dean, Cas is hit with the overwhelming urge to be closer, be in his arms, kiss him again. He can feel the tension between them, can see in Dean's eyes that he wants it too. 

"Let's go upstairs," Dean says, voice lower than normal sending a jolt straight through Cas' body. Cas nods, then slides out of the car to follow Dean into the building. 

Once inside, door closed, Cas deposits his bag onto the floor, shucks his coat off and slips out of his boots. When he turns back to Dean, he sees he's done the same, and is now staring at him with a mix of wonder and desire. 

Without saying a word, Dean crowds against him until Cas' back is pressed against the door. The look in Dean's eyes sends a thrill through him, and it's only a moment before Dean's lips attach to his own. 

This kiss is completely different than their first one. Where that one was slow and gentle and exploring, this one is hot, searing, full of want and need, and Cas loves it. He lets himself be taken, opening his mouth to Dean's tongue. 

Dean presses their bodies together, and Cas feels hot, burning up, so full of lust that he doesn't know what to do. He tangles his hands in Dean's shirt, pulling him even closer until there's nothing left between them except their clothes. 

Breaking their kiss, Dean's lips make their way down Cas' jaw to his neck, pressing, licking, nibbling the skin there. Cas tilts his head back against the door so Dean has better access and can feel himself growing harder in his pants. Dean rolls his hips against him, pressing his own hardness against Cas', and a moan escapes Cas' throat unbidden, as a sudden shock of pleasure and terror races through him. 

This is leading to sex. Dean wants sex, and god Cas does too, but he's never done that before. He's never even come close until now, and he doesn't know what to do, or how to do it. He's going to be terrible and Dean's going to regret all of this. 

"Dean" Cas whimpers out, as Dean sucks a mark into his neck. He doesn't know if he's trying to get his attention to get him to stop, or to keep going. Everything in his brain is firing in different directions, and his body is not cooperating. 

Cas pushes a little on Dean's chest and says his name again, and Dean immediately pulls back, taking a step back and checking over Cas' face with concern. 

"Fuck, Cas I'm sorry. I was out of control, I'm so sorry." Dean says running a hand down his face. "Shit, I'm an asshole." 

"No," Cas says, trying to get his mind back online. "No, you didn't do anything wrong." He reaches out and grabs Dean's arm, pulling him closer. 

The look of anguish on Dean's face hurts him so much, he just wants to make it go away. "I didn't even ask," Dean says quietly, letting Cas move him closer. "I'm sorry" he says again. 

"Please, don't be." Cas replies, fear replaced with worry. "Dean, I'm sorry-" 

"Don't say you're sorry, I'm the one who attacked you." Dean tries to pull away again but Cas doesn't let go. 

"Dean" Cas says firmly, and Dean stops, turns to Cas with worry written all over his face. "I wanted it. I want it." Cas sighs, running his free hand through his hair. He doesn't want to tell Dean, but he has to. Dean has to know why he's scared. "I... I need to tell you something." 

Dean's hand comes up to rest on Cas' cheek. "You can tell me anything." 

Cas ducks his head, worry flowing through him at how Dean will react. He bites his lip, stalls as long as he can, then finally just says it. 

"I've never had sex before." He blurts out, refusing to look up to see the disgust that's probably on Dean's face. "I've never even kissed anybody until today. I'm sorry." He feels so ashamed, and can feel his cheeks heating in embarrassment. Why would Dean, who's so experienced, who knows what he's doing, knows exactly how to make a person feel good, ever want to be with someone like him? 

"Oh sweetheart" Dean says, and there's such kindness in his voice that Cas almost looks up. Dean's hand slides down his cheek until his knuckle is under Cas' chin, and lifts his head until Cas is looking at him. The softness in Dean's eyes makes him melt, makes the fear, the tension in him ebb a little. "It's okay. There's nothing to be ashamed of." 

"Yes there is," Cas says, wanting to run and hide, but unable to look away. 

"No, there's not. There's nothing wrong with saving yourself. Though now I feel like even more of an asshole for attacking you like that." Dean says, dropping his hand from Cas' face. 

"You didn't attack me" Cas replies. He manages to turn his head away as he mumbles "and I wasn't saving myself." 

"What do you mean?" Dean asks. 

Cas sighs, and pushes past Dean, embarrassment flooding him again as he paces into the apartment, before turning back to face him. "I mean exactly what I said. I wasn't 'saving myself'" he uses airquotes then quickly drops his hands, knowing how stupid it looks. "I just, I've never-" he groans and drops his face into his hands. 

"Cas" Dean says, stepping in front of him. "I told you, you can tell me anything." 

Speaking into his hands, Cas finishes. "I've never been with anybody. I've never dated or even tried to date." He drops his hands again but doesn't look up. "I never intended on being with anybody before I-" he cuts himself off, biting his lip. He knows that Dean knows he wanted to die, but saying it now, after everything, it just doesn't seem right. 

Dean's watching him with an indiscernible look on his face. It's several moments before he speaks, and when he does, his voice is quiet. "Do you still want to die?" Cas is sure he can hear hurt in Dean's voice, and it breaks his heart. 

"No," Cas says, and relief flows over Dean's face. "It's still there, in the back of my mind sometimes. But usually when it starts getting bad, I just" he bites his lip again, and feels himself blush. "I think of you and it makes it go away." 

He knows that it's probably not right, that this is putting too much pressure on Dean, but when Dean grabs him and pulls him into a hug, he can't help but feel warmed by it. 

"It's not just you," Cas says, turning his head to the side to talk into Dean's neck, wanting Dean to understand. "It's what you've shown me, what you've given me. You've made me feel like there are things to live for, things I never even thought of. And every time I feel bad, I just think about all the life in you, and all the things you love that you've shared with me, and it makes me feel better." 

Dean pulls back, hands framing Cas' face. "I'm really happy to hear that." 

"You're not upset I didn't tell you? About, you know, not having been with someone before?" Cas asks. 

"God, of course not" Dean says. "I'm glad you told me before we went any further though." 

Cas' chest tightens, and all of his fears come crashing back into him. "Oh. Okay." He says, pulling away. He knew that's how Dean would feel, but the reality of it hurts so much more than he thought it would. "I'm really tired, so I'm gonna head to bed." He says, turning around and starting for his room. He just needs to be alone, needs time to figure out where to go from here. 

"Hey, woah, wait. What just happened?" Dean asks, following behind him. 

"Nothing." Cas says, pushing the feelings down. "I just want to sleep." He continues on to his room, but Dean grabs his hand, turning him back around. 

"Something happened there in your head, I could see it on your face." Dean says, eyes boring into Cas'. 

"It's okay," Cas says, forcing a smile he doesn't feel. "I understand. I just, I need some time alone." He does understand, but that doesn't make it hurt any less. 

"Understand what? You've gotta help me out here, cuz I have no idea what you're saying." Dean says. 

Cas closes his eyes, gathers his thoughts before opening them again. "I get that being with someone who's inexperienced isn't what you signed up for." 

Dean's brow furrows for a moment, then understanding dawns on his face. "Fuck, no that's not what I was saying." He pulls Cas closer to him. "I can see how that sounded like what I was saying, but it wasn't." 

Cas tilts his head, trying to make sense of Dean's words, and Dean huffs out a humorless laugh. "Yeah, that didn't make any sense." Dean says, running his free hand down his face. "I'm an idiot and I suck at words. I wasn't saying that I'm glad you told me because I don't want you. I'm glad you told me because we can slow down, take our time, as much time as you need. Then, when you're ready, we can take that next step." 

What? Cas is trying to sort through everything Dean just said in his head, because none of it is connecting. "I don't understand." 

"Oh, sweetheart" Dean says, hand running up Cas arm, the back of his neck, into his hair. "I want you, I want you so much, and I don't care that you've never been with someone before. That doesn't matter to me. What matters is making sure you're comfortable, and that you're completely ready. I want to make you feel good, and I don't want you to have any doubts when we get there." 

"Oh" Cas is struck speechless. Dean wants him, he wants to be with him, and he's so kind and considerate and Cas doesn't know what to do with that. 

"We can start slow, work our way up to it if you want." Dean says. 

"I don't know what that means," Cas replies. He's confused, but also happy. Knowing Dean is okay with this takes such a load of worry off him. 

Smiling, Dean pulls on Cas' hand, leading him to the couch until they're sitting next to each other, facing each other "Well, kissing is nice." Dean says, a small smirk on his face. 

"Yes, I did enjoy that very much" Cas replies, blushing. 

"Mhmm, so we kiss, and go from there. If you don't like something or it's moving too fast for you, you tell me and we stop. Okay?" 

"Okay," Cas says quietly, overwhelmed with how understanding Dean is. His insides are warm, and he really wants to kiss Dean again. "Can we do that now?" He asks. 

"Yeah, sweetheart. We can do that now." Dean smiles, before leaning in and capturing Cas' lips with his own. 

It starts gently, like the first one, but quickly heats up, Cas' hands tangled in Dean's hair, and Dean's wrapped around Cas' waist. It feels so good, Dean feels so good, and Cas thinks he could spend forever just kissing him. 

The need to get closer, to feel Dean's body against his again, is strong. It seems Dean feels the same as he's pulling Cas against him, pressing their bodies together as best he can in the awkward angle they're sitting. 

Cas leans in more, and in a desperate attempt to feel more, he swings his leg over Dean until he's straddling his lap. He has a brief moment of panic that this is too much, but then Dean's hands grip his hips, and their lips meet again, and it's wonderful. 

They kiss for a while like that, tongues and teeth and hands gripping at each other, and Cas has grown hard again, can feel himself straining against his jeans. He let's himself rest down into Dean's lap, and feels Dean pressing against him. The fear doesn't come this time, only the thrill of knowing he made Dean feel this way, that he's turned him on and Dean wants him. 

Pulling his lips away, Cas moves down Dean's neck, wanting to taste his skin. He licks, then bites down gently into the soft skin of Dean's neck, and Dean moans, dropping his head back, his hips thrusting up into Cas'. Their cocks meet through their clothes, and the immense pleasure that courses through Cas is overpowering. He wants more. Rolling his own hips down, Cas groans into Dean's neck. It feels so good, he wants this. 

"Cas, 's this okay?" Dean asks, and Cas can feel him holding back, hands tight on Cas' hips trying to control himself. 

In answer, Cas kisses him again, pressing down, letting himself get lost in the feeling. He thrusts against Dean over and over again, pulling sounds out of Dean's mouth that spur him on as Dean's hips move up to meet him each time, their tongues tangled together. 

His pleasure is building, and he can't hold back. He's never been a sexual person, rarely even masturbating, as it never really brings him the kind of satisfaction it seems to bring other people. This is nothing like that. This feeling, overwhelming all consuming lust coursing through him, he wants it. He wants to feel what it would be like to orgasm with someone else, with Dean. All his trepidation pushed aside, he wants this. 

"Dean" Cas moans into his mouth, he wants to tell him he's close, that he's going to come if they don't stop, but Dean holds tighter to him, thrusts up against him and the words are lost. 

"Cas, sweetheart" Dean says, their foreheads pressed together, rutting against each other. "I can't- I'm going to- please tell me this is okay." 

"Yes," Cas says, rolling his hips down. He's so close, he wants this. Wants to feel how Dean falls apart beneath him. Dean pulls Cas down against him, over and over as he meets him, Cas' cock straining and pulsing with his impending orgasm. Cas' hands tangled in Dean's hair, gripping tight, holding on. 

It peaks, and pleasure washes over Cas as he comes, intense and like nothing he's ever experienced. His vision whites out, a guttural moan forces itself out of his throat, and he's just holding on, thrusting his hips, riding through it. He feels Dean's hands clamp down on him, bruising as he tenses up beneath him, and then Dean is moaning, saying Cas' name over and over again, and it's the best thing he's ever heard, he's ever felt. 

Coming down from his orgasm, Cas opens his eyes, forehead still pressed against Dean's. He's shaking from the intensity of it, and Dean's hands come up to his face, bringing him down into a sweet kiss he will never get tired of. 

After a few moments, Dean pulls back and looks onto Cas' eyes, searching. "You okay?" He asks, and Cas realizes his body is still quivering, aftershocks going through him. He nods, and Dean still looks concerned until Cas smiles, kisses him again, and that brings a smile to Dean's face as well. 

"We should shower" Dean says, and the fear is back. Dean seeing him naked, nobody's ever seen him naked. He doesn't think he's ready for that yet. But before it can consume him, Dean's hand is on his face, soothing, calming. "Separately, sweetheart." 

Cas nods, bites his lips, feeling how stupid it is after what they just shared, but Dean is so sweet, so understanding, and Cas kisses him once more, just a gentle press of their lips. He forces himself up, out of Dean's lap, and can feel the sticky cooling mess in his underwear. He must pull a face, because Dean laughs, beautiful and lighthearted as he stands too. 

"You're fucking amazing" Dean says, and Cas can see the sincerity of his words in Dean's eyes. "You go shower first, then I will." 

"Okay" Cas replies, reluctant to walk away yet despite the mess he's made. 

"I'll be here when you're done," Dean promises, like he can read Cas' worries. Cas nods again, and pulls away, heading to the bathroom. 

\-- 

Once he's showered and dressed, Cas goes to the kitchen and gulps down an entire glass of water, then half of a second, while playing over the events of the evening in his head. Their first kiss, their second kiss, Cas' confession, then their third kiss. The last one makes Cas blush, his body tingling with the memory. 

When Dean emerges from his own shower, body damp and pink beneath his clothes, Cas is leaning against the kitchen counter, wondering where they go from here. Dean gets his own glass of water, drinking it while watching Cas, and once he's done he sidles up to Cas until he's directly in front of him. 

"You feeling okay after that?" Dean asks, and his concern about Cas' wellbeing makes him care for Dean even more than he already does. 

"I'm really good" he says, taking the glass from Dean's hand and setting it on the counter behind him. He pulls Dean to him, feeling more confident. "I feel really good." 

"Good" Dean says, a beautiful smile on his face. "Me too." Dean's arms come around him, and Cas' do the same, holding onto each other. "Do you think-" Dean starts, but he hesitates. 

"What?" Cas asks. Dean's not usually one for hesitancy, and it concerns him a little. 

"Uh, I was thinking, maybe you might want to sleep in my bed tonight? I mean, just to sleep." Dean says, holding tighter. "I just really like being close to you." 

Pressing a smile into Dean's neck, Cas let's the warm feeling from those words fill him. "Yes, I'd enjoy that very much" he says, and when Dean looks at him with such fondness in his eyes, Cas knows he's completely done for. 

Climbing into Dean's bed a few minutes later, Cas is still flying high on all those good feelings. Once they're settled, Dean immediately pulls Cas to him, arms wrapped around him, Cas' head pillowed on his chest. 

"Goodnight sweetheart" Dean says, kissing the top of his head. 

"Goodnight" Cas replies, feeling sleep pulling him down, warm and comfortable in Dean's arms. 

\-- 

When Cas wakes up, he's alone in Dean's bed. Dean's already gone to work, as he'd told him the night before, and he can't help but already miss Dean's presence after spending the last few days basking in it. Cas enjoys a few minutes curled up in Dean's bed, his scent surrounding him, letting himself enjoy it. 

When he finally drags himself out of bed, he heads to the kitchen to make some coffee, and sits on the couch, reminiscing about the past couple of days. 

God they were amazing. He hasn't felt this light since he was a child, and it's a really nice feeling, one he never wants to let go of. 

He can still feel Dean's kiss on his lips, the ghost of his hands on his hips, the feeling of Dean's body under his, and it sends a jolt down his spine. He wants more. He wants to feel as wanted as he did last night. 

He wonders if he and Dean are together now. Things have been so push and pull between them, that even after what happened last night, Cas isn't sure where they stand. He does know he wants to be with Dean, and he's tired of denying himself what he wants. And what he wants is for them to be together. 

\-- 

It's a nice day full of doing nothing. Normally, sitting around and trying to relax unnerves Cas. He can never quite unwind, always waiting for something to happen, but today he's not. He grabs a book and curls up on the couch to pass the day. 

Sometime in the afternoon, Cas' phone rings. He sets his book down, grabs it off the couch next to him and answers it without even looking. 

"Hello?" He says, assuming it's probably work wanting him to pick up a shift, or maybe Dean checking in.

"Castiel" the voice sends an unpleasant shiver of recognition down his spine. 


	10. Chapter 10

"Father" Cas replies, voice quiet, heart already starting to pound. Why is he calling? They haven't spoken since the day Cas graduated and his father set one suitcase of his clothes by the front door before telling him to leave and not contact them again. 

"I just wanted you to know," his father says, voice full of contempt. "Your mother is dead." 

"What?" Cas chokes out. 

"She is dead, Castiel, and it is your fault." The tone of his voice makes Cas curl in on himself, fear and self loathing returning, overrunning all of the good feelings he'd had. 

"What?" It's the only word he can make come out of his mouth. 

"Your mother has died, because you" he spits the word out, Cas can almost feel his father's breath on his face and he shrinks down even further "are a despicable disgusting useless excuse for a man. She died because you sin. She died because you chose to live a life of wickedness, of immorality instead of choosing the church and serving God." 

Tears well in Cas' eyes, and he can feel the hollow emptiness in his chest returning. Feel the pain and the fear and the hatred as if he's a teenager back in his parents' living room. 

"She suffered while your choices ate away at her insides until there was nothing left. She's dead because you refused to repent. You are a revolting worthless individual and I hope you're happy with yourself and what you've done to us. You should be dead Castiel, not her." With those final words, the line goes dead and Cas' phone falls from his slack hand. 

Tears drip from Cas' face onto his chest, and his stomach rolls with nausea. He jumps up, running to the bathroom and expelling everything in his stomach into the toilet, over and over again, dry heaving when nothing is left. 

He's shaking, eyes blurred as he stumbles his way across the hall to his room, collapsing against the far wall behind his bed. 

His mother is dead. She's dead and it's his fault. She's dead and he's alive even though he's nothing but a fucked up piece of shit. 

_ You should be dead  _

He should be dead. Everything hurts, sharp pain pulling at his chest. Why is he alive? What's the point? Dean floats through his head, and he tries to grasp onto that, onto the feelings Dean gives him, but it's futile. 

_ Despicable disgusting useless _

Cas scrambles under the edge of the bed, pulling out a box and ripping the lid off, falling back against the wall with a razor gripped between his fingers. 

_ Revolting worthless  _

He can barely see the shining metal through the tears as he brings it to his wrist. 

_ You should be dead Castiel _

Pressing until blood wells up at the tip of the sharp edge, Cas lets the waves of self contempt wash over him, let's his fathers words play on repeat in his head. 

_ Disgusting revolting immoral useless  _

Blood drips to the floor, and some of the pain edges away. 

_ You should be dead  _

Emptiness, nothingness replacing the torment screaming inside him. He presses again, the sting of the cut pushing the agony further back until he's empty. Nothing left but a hole, numbness swallowing him. 

The tears stop as Cas drops the blade to the floor, landing in the slowly dripping puddle of blood, and he sits there. 

He sits there until the blood coagulates and stops dripping, leaving red smears across his wrist. He sits there until the tears are gone, nothing but tracks of salty dried residue are left on his face. He sits there until he's nothing more than a shell, nothing left inside him. 

Closing his eyes, Cas rests his head back against the wall. He just wants to sleep, to let it all fall away and escape for a little while. To not feel anything for just a minute. 

\-- 

"Fuck" the word pulls Cas out of his sleep, all the feelings slamming back into him as his eyes flutter open. His mother is dead and it's his fault. Tears well up again, unbidden and unwanted. 

Dean is striding across the room, dropping down onto his knees in front of him. "Jesus I knew something was wrong." Dean says, taking a hold of Cas' wrist. Cas yanks his arm back, cradling it to himself. 

"Let me see" Dean demands, and more tears slide down Cas' face. He shakes his head, holding his arm against his body. "Please." 

"Go away," Cas says, words rough from emotion. 

"No" Dean reaches for Cas' arm again, and Cas flinches back, shrinks into himself making himself as small as possible. 

He shouldn't be here. He never should've let Dean convince him to move. He should've just ended it before, so nobody else could suffer because of him. 

"Please just go" Cas whispers, wanting to disappear so Dean won't see him like this again. 

"I'm not going anywhere." Dean says, reaching out again. Cas pulls back further into the wall, into himself, and Dean holds up his hands in a placating gesture. "God please Cas, let me help." 

"No," Cas shakes his head, willing Dean to just turn around and leave. "No, I don't need help. I don't need anything." 

"What happened?" Dean asks, lowering his hands and looking at Cas with such concern it breaks his heart even more. "This isn't you. You've been doing so good." 

He needs Dean to leave, to stop trying. He's not worth it. "This is me." 

"No it's not. You're better than this." 

Annoyance and exasperation well up inside him. "Yes it is!" Cas shouts, and Dean flinches back. "This is who I am. I'm fucking broken. Don't you get it? There's nothing to save because there's nothing left. You can't fix me. I made my choices and I have to live with them, but you don't. So go away." His throat is tight as he tries to hold back more tears. He can't keep pretending he can have a normal life, that he can have Dean. 

A new look flashes across Dean's face, anger. "I'm not going anywhere," he says, calm and quiet. "You may have made your choices, but so have I, and I've chosen you. You may not like it, hell you don't have to like it, but I will not leave because I know that's not what you really want. Something happened to make you spiral again, and if you don't want to tell me you don't have to, but I'm not abandoning you because you've had a setback. You're too goddamn important to me." 

Cas' entire body goes slack, and he slumps down, all the fight draining out of him. "Please just leave" he says, head bowed. "Leave before I ruin your life too." 

"You just don't get it," Dean says, voice soft. "You've done nothing but make my life better since the second I met you. The only way you could ruin my life is by not being in it." 

The tears fall, creating more tracks down his face, and Cas can't fight anymore. He wants to let himself give in to the comfort Dean is offering. He wants to be told it's okay. He needs to know that somebody cares. 

When Dean reaches for his arm again, Cas doesn't resist this time. He let's Dean take his wrist and look it over, let's him clean away the blood and bandage him up, and let's him wrap his arms around him and pull Cas into his lap. He let's Dean hold him while he cries, letting himself be given the comfort and touch he so desperately needs. 

Sobs rack Cas' body and he's shaking uncontrollably, fisting his hands into Dean's shirt as he cries until he can't anymore. His eyes hurt, his chest hurts, and he's so drained he just wants to sleep. 

It's a long time before either of them says anything, and when Dean finally speaks it's quiet. "What happened?" 

Taking a deep breath, Cas presses further into Dean. "My father called," he says, voice muffled. He can feel Dean tense up against him, arms tightening around him. 

"What did he say?" Dean asks, voice tight. 

"He said" Cas starts, takes another breath, swallows. "He said my mother is dead. He said it was my fault because I am the way I am." 

"What the fuck?" Cas is startled by the volume of Dean's voice, and Dean runs a soothing hand down his back. "Sorry. But seriously, he actually told you that?" 

Cas nods. "She suffered because of me. Because I'm depraved and broken. I'm wrong and disgraceful and-" 

"Stop" Dean interrupts him. "Damnit Cas, please stop. There is nothing wrong with you, and fuck your dad for putting that back into your head." 

"She's dead, Dean"

"Yeah, and people die. That has nothing to do with you. Nobody punished your mom because of you. If anything, she was punished for her own actions, for what they did to you." Dean sighs and pushes Cas back just a little, just enough so Cas has to look up into his face. "Who you are, what you've done... Cas, you are so amazing and whoever doesn't see that is either blind or an idiot. You are so perfect just the way you are. God, I wish you could see yourself the way I see you, then you'd understand." 

"I'm nothing," Cas whispers. 

"You're something to me." Dean says, fingers gliding along Cas' jaw. "You are so strong and so brave and I know you can get through this. Whatever he said to you, you have to know that he's the only one who feels that way. Don't let him win, Cas." 

New tears drip down Cas' cheeks, but they aren't the overwhelming despair kind. He doesn't know what he did to deserve Dean, but he makes a promise to himself right there to never take it for granted. 

"Come on," Dean says, standing up and helping Cas up. He takes a hold of Cas' hand and pulls him out of the room and into his own. 

"What're you doing?" Cas asks, standing awkwardly in the doorway. 

"We're taking a nap." Dean says, and beckons Cas to follow him to the bed. Cas slides in silently, without argument. He is so tired, and having Dean with him he might actually be able to sleep. 

Dean pulls Cas against him, as they've slept each time they've been in a bed together, and Cas closes his eyes. Let's Dean's gentle touch and sweet words soothe him. 

\-- 

Cas wakes in Dean's bed again, in an eerie echo of that morning, alone and curled up in Dean's blanket. It's grown dark outside as he'd slept, the only light coming in through the crack in the bedroom door. 

Laying there, Cas assesses his feelings. His head hurts, it feels full, probably from all the crying. His wrist hurts, but that's not surprising. His chest, it still aches, but it's dull, only a small portion of the way he'd felt earlier, before Dean came home. 

Dean. Where is he? Cas wonders if he had to go somewhere. He'd made it sound like he was going to nap too, but when Cas runs his hand over the other side of the bed, it's cool the the touch, like he's been alone for a while. 

Before he can gather enough energy to make himself get up, the door opens a crack and Dean's head peeks in. When he sees Cas awake, Dean pushes the door the rest of the way open, coming into the room. "Morning sunshine" he says. Dean's carrying something, and when he flips on the bedside lamp, Cas sees it's a bowl and a package of crackers. 

Cas lifts himself up in the bed, sitting against the headboard and rubbing his eyes. "Hey" Cas' voice is rough, even more so than it usually is after sleeping. "How long was I out?" 

"A few hours" Dean replies, sliding into the bed next to Cas and passing him the bowl. 

Cas takes it, looking down at its contents. "What's this?" 

"Soup. Tomato rice soup. It's something my mom's always made, kind of a comfort food for me. I thought you might like it." Dean says, opening the crackers and setting them between them. 

"You made me soup?" 

"Well, I mean I had some too. But, yeah. I thought you could use something warm and comforting when you woke up." 

"You didn't have to do that" Cas' voice is tight with emotion, swallowing around the lump that's formed there. "Thank you." 

"'S no big deal" Dean says, but Cas can see a faint blush along his cheeks. "Eat. There's also water and some ibuprofen on your nightstand there. I figured you'd probably have a headache." 

Cas looks over, and sure enough there is. He picks up the pills and the water, swallowing them and most of the water, before turning back to his bowl and picking up the spoon. 

The first bite is wonderful. It's warm and flavorful and Cas can tell that Dean put effort into it. It's the perfect comfort food. His stomach rumbles with the taste, and he begins to scoop spoonful after spoonful into his mouth once he realizes how hungry he is. 

By the time he finishes the bowl, half the crackers are gone and they've both remained silent the entire time. Dean takes the dishes from his hands, sets them on his nightstand, and turns back to Cas. "Feeling better?" 

Nodding, Cas bites his lip and looks down into his lap, shame for what happened earlier prominent. "Dean, I'm sorry." 

"You have no reason to apologize, it wasn't your fault." Dean says, but Cas holds his hand up for Dean to stop talking. 

When Dean is quiet for a moment, Cas continues. "Please just let me say this. It was my fault, not for what he said but for letting it get to me." Cas twists his hands around themselves, curling them into the blanket in his lap. "I don't know why he still has that power over me, and I wish he didn't, but I should have fought harder. I tried, I just wasn't strong enough. The words kept repeating in my head, and it all hurt so much, I just needed it to stop. I should've tried something else, anything else, but I wasn't thinking clearly. I'm sorry." 

"Cas," Dean says softly, hand covering Cas' in the blanket. "You don't have to try to be strong by yourself anymore. You can call me, any time, and no matter what I'm doing I'll be there for you. This is a setback, but it's okay. I'd hoped it wouldn't happen, but I'm not upset or disappointed in you. You've worked really hard, and I know you'll continue to work hard. Just, let me be here for you." 

Emotions well up inside Cas again, and he let's a single tear slide down his cheek. "Thank you" he says, then he's being gathered into Dean's arms. 

The rest of the evening is spent curled up against Dean in his bed, watching tv, and when Cas falls asleep that night, his thoughts are on the man in his arms, not on his failure. 

\-- 

Sunday is spent in pretty much the same state, except on the couch instead of in Dean's bed. Cas had taken the whole holiday weekend off, and the garage Dean works at isn't usually open on Sundays barring an emergency, so neither of them have any place to be. 

It's a pleasant way to spend the day, and Cas feels better as it goes on. Being close to Dean, being in his arms, just spending time with him, it's all very healing. 

But, Cas is confused. After the other night, after what happened on the couch, he figured he and Dean would be closer than before. He wonders if what happened yesterday ruined what they'd already built, but Dean doesn't treat him any differently. At least, not exactly 

Dean doesn't kiss him, doesn't make any relationship move towards him at all, aside from holding him. The one time Cas gathers enough courage to maybe lean in and press their lips together, Dean just smiles at him and turns back to the tv. 

It's not that Cas needs it, he doesn't. But he'd thought they might at least kiss more, and he's worried he's screwed it all up, again. What happened the day before was a setback, and Cas acknowledges that, but it hurts to think he maybe ruined a really good thing by letting his fathers words dig into him like that. 

As afternoon fades into evening, Cas accepts that this is the way they are now. He accepts that he's maybe pushed Dean too far, and maybe he needs his space. It hurts a bit, but it's his own fault, and he can accept it. Maybe he can fix it with time. 

Night falls, and with it Cas finds his eyelids growing heavy, harder to keep open as he slumps against Dean on the couch. Dean asks him if he wants to go to bed, and Cas nods. He has classes in the morning, they both do, and then work afterwards. It's been a highly eventful and emotional few days, and he definitely needs sleep before taking it all on. 

He pulls himself up off the couch, makes himself stop at the bathroom to brush his teeth, then heads towards his own room to climb into bed. As he's crossing the threshold, Dean comes up behind him and Cas is startled out of his pre bed haze. 

"Oh" Dean says, looking from Cas, into his room, then down the hall. "You're gonna sleep in here." 

It's not a question, but it almost sounds like one. Did Dean want him to sleep in his bed again? "I, um... I-." 

"No, no, it's cool. Uh, yeah. Okay. Goodnight." Dean says, taking a step down the hallway toward his own room. 

"Dean." He waits until Dean stops walking. "I didn't want to presume. But, if you'll have me, I'd like to sleep with you." 

Dean turns to him, steps into his space. "I'll always have you," he says, catching Cas' eyes. "And you can always presume" he says with a smirk that sends butterflies through Cas' stomach. 

Nodding, Cas follows Dean back to his room and climbs into his bed, on the side he's now mentally calling his own. 


	11. Chapter 11

Monday on campus brings about difficulties that Cas had not foreseen. 

His classes start earlier than Dean's, so he's up and out of the house long before Dean even stirs awake. Though, he does take a moment or two to just watch Dean sleep, face beautiful and peaceful in the morning sun streaming through the window before he heads out. 

Morning classes are normal, Cas getting lost in the work, the voices of the professors and his classmates. He almost forgets about the changes to his personal life, almost. That is, until he sees Dean at lunchtime. 

Charlie accosts him outside his last morning class again, pulling him away to the cafeteria, and Cas actually grabs food he intends to eat. His stomach had been complaining all through his last class, as Cas hadn't eaten breakfast, and he's glad he can put something into it before his next one. 

As they head to their normal table, Charlie chatting away, Cas looks up to see Dean already sitting there, someone leaning on him, talking to him, in general being way too close for Cas' comfort. He'd forgotten about Anna. 

It makes him feel a little better that Dean doesn't seem at all interested in what she's saying, what Cas has come to know as Dean's 'polite smile' on his face. That doesn't stop the rush of annoyance that flares up in him, watching Anna basically throw herself at Dean, her breasts pressed against his arm as she giggles right next to his face. 

Jealousy. It's a new emotion, one he's only experienced in regards to Dean, and it's currently flaring up through him, making him stop several feet from the table. 

Charlie takes her seat, then looks up questioningly at Cas, but his eyes don't leave Dean, don't leave where Anna and Dean are touching. 

He realizes that nobody knows he and Dean are... Are what? Together? That they've kissed? Though they haven't done that in days. Sleeping in the same bed? Cuddling? He doesn't know what they are, and suddenly he feels stupid for being so jealous when he and Dean haven't even discussed what's going on between them. 

Logically, he knows Dean doesn't want her, he's told Cas that. But, that doesn't stop him from wanting to march over and place a possessive kiss straight to Dean's lips. 

Then, Dean's eyes raise, catch Cas' stare and a blinding smile spreads across Dean's face. Most of Cas' insecurities fall away, replaced by a flipping in his stomach, and he smiles back. 

Anna, realizing she's lost Dean's attention, the minimum that he'd been giving her, looks up at Cas and shoots him a glare. He doesn't even care. She can be pissed all she wants, because his eyes stay focused on Dean's. Dean, who's beckoning him over, pulling out the chair on the other side of him and motioning for Cas to take it. 

Cas doesn't miss the others in their group, eyes darting between him and Dean as he takes the seat. Dean doesn't pull him in for a hug, or lean in to kiss him, or do anything even remotely romantic, but Cas still feels better all the same. 

Throughout the meal, Dean's attention never strays far from him. Anna tries several times to re engage Dean, but it's pointless as he just brushes her off nicely every time, answering with short responses so as not to seem rude. She's not pleased, and let's that be known through the looks she shoots Cas' way. 

Their lunch is just wrapping up when Dean clicks on his phone and says he's running late and has to go. He slides his phone back into his pocket, leans down to grab his bag off the floor, and turns to Cas. "I'll see you at home tonight" he says with a wink, and then he takes off, all but jogging out of the building. 

"Hmm" Charlie hums, and Cas looks at her quizzically but she doesn't say anything else, just gives a smile. When he turns back to his mostly eaten meal, Cas sees something sitting in the seat Dean just vacated, and realizes Dean's phone must've slipped out of his pocket in his hurry. He picks it up, tells the group he's gonna try to catch Dean, throws his own bag over his shoulder and follows the same path out of the cafeteria. 

Once outside, Cas looks around but doesn't see Dean anywhere. He's resolved to just dropping the phone by Dean's work later before his own job starts, and when he turns to head toward his next class he's stopped by Anna, arms crossed and an angry look on her face. 

"Listen, Castiel, I know I'm new here but it's really kind of rude for you to start taking an interest in somebody when I've already expressed my intentions on seeing that someone." When Cas just stares at her, she huffs an annoyed breath. "Dean. I saw him first." 

Cas almost wants to laugh at the sheer absurdity of that statement, as well as the ridiculous childish cliche. He's had feelings for Dean years before she'd even considered coming to this school, but he keeps his mouth shut and just let's her continue. 

"I know you guys are roommates now, or whatever, but I see the way you look at him." Anna says, and Cas can feel himself blush. He knows he stares at Dean, but he didn't think it was that obvious. He's usually more careful than that. His fingers clench around Dean's phone in his hand, embarrassed. 

"And, if I can be honest, and I'm just looking out for you here" Anna says, taking on a fake caring voice, like Cas can't tell the difference between that and someone who actually cares. "It's really kind of pathetic how you're pining over somebody you can never have. Dean and I, we talk a lot, and he's just not interested. I'm sorry, but please, for everyone's sake, just leave Dean to me." 

If this were a week ago, Cas probably would've believed her, believed every word coming out of her mouth. He would've shrunk into himself, ashamed of his actions and tried very hard to hide himself away. As it stands, he knows the words she's spewing are lies, and it sends white hot anger coursing through him. 

Who the hell does she think she is, to mess with people's feelings this way? What right does she have to spout lies, to put words in Dean's mouth, and say things Cas knows he would never say. 

Cas opens his mouth, not even sure what he's going to say but knows it's not going to be nice, when a voice to the side of them speaks. "Hey." Cas snaps his mouth shut and turns to see Dean standing there, watching them. 

Dean takes one look at Cas' face, and turns to Anna with the fakest smile Cas has ever seen on him. 

"Dean, hey" Anna says, smiling at him. Her eyes shoot between Cas and Dean, and she shifts around a little on her feet. "How long have you been standing there?" 

"Oh, long enough." Dean says, and he has a look on his face Cas has only seen once. He's angry. "I must say, Anna, you're absolutely right. It is pathetic for somebody to pine over someone they'll never have a chance with." 

Anna shoots a smug look at Cas, which is wiped off precisely five seconds later when Dean walks over to Cas, throwing his arms around him and pulling Cas against his chest. "You okay?" Dean asks. When Cas nods, Dean presses a kiss into his hair and turns back to Anna. 

"You are a terrible person. You seriously just stood there and lied to my boyfriend because, what? You wanted me? Well, too fucking bad. You're no longer welcome around us, and don't even bother with anyone else in the group. When I tell them what you did, they'll want nothing to do with you either. Get the fuck away from us." 

Anna scrambles away with a frustrated growl, but Cas is so lost in the words Dean said that he barely registers it. Dean said boyfriend, and just thinking about it makes Cas' insides flutter. Did he mean it, or was he just trying to get back at her? 

"Cas?" Dean says, and Cas pulls back to look at him. "I'm so sorry she did that." 

"It's okay. I didn't believe her." Cas replies, looking over Dean's face, trying to find some indication that he'd meant what he said. 

"Good," Dean says with a smile. 

They stare at each other for a few moments, and Cas has to ask, he has to know. "You said, well you called me" Cas sighs, then just blurts it out. "You said boyfriend." 

Blushing, Dean pulls back a little, rubbing the back of his neck. "I did. I'm sorry, she just made me so mad." 

"Oh." Cas' stomach drops in disappointment, but it's what he suspected anyway. "Okay." Cas let's his hands fall from around Dean, and takes a step back, realizing Dean's phone is still in his hand. He holds it out "uh, you forgot this." 

Dean doesn't take it, just watches Cas' face until Cas has to look away. "I should get to class, and I believe you were running late" Cas says, still holding the phone out. 

Instead of grabbing it, Dean steps back into Cas' space, tilting Cas' face up a little until they're eye to eye. "I know we haven't talked about it" Dean says, and Cas' heart rate picks up, a nervous energy thrumming through him. "But, it sounded good, calling you that. Sounded right. Is that okay?" 

Cas chews on his lip, hopeful. He should ask everything though. "I thought maybe you'd changed your mind, about this." 

"What? Why?" Dean asks, confusion evident on his face. 

"It's just that, well, uh." Cas sighs, and closes his eyes. "You haven't even kissed me since that first night. I thought maybe it was just too much." 

"Oh no. Sweetheart, look at me." When Cas opens his eyes, Dean is so close. "I was trying to be respectful, take it slow. After what happened, I didn't want to push you any further than you were ready for. Do you know how many times I've wanted to kiss you the last couple of days?" 

Cas can't stop the small smile that spreads over his lips. He raises his hand to the side of Dean's neck, tilting his head to the side a bit. "And if I said I didn't want you to hold back?" 

Dean's smiling now too, hands resting on Cas' hips. "Then I'd say that I would really like to kiss my boyfriend right now." 

Closing the distance between them, Cas presses their lips together, feels Dean's hands tighten on his waist as he lets out a relieved sigh. It's only been two days, but Cas missed this closeness. 

It's not a long kiss, Cas wishes it could be longer but they both have places to be, and when they pull back there's a cheering sound not far from them. Cas looks around and sees Charlie standing with a few of their other friends, large smiles on their faces. He presses his face to Dean's shoulder in embarrassment, but happiness is radiating through him and he can't wipe his own smile away. 

When they pull apart, Cas hands Dean his phone, they share a chaste kiss, and then they're both headed their separate ways, Cas feeling really good about this. 

\-- 

When Cas gets home from work, the apartment smells amazing. He drops his stuff by the door, takes his shoes off, and finds Dean in the kitchen in front of the stove. 

"Hey" he says, peeking over Dean's shoulder. "You're making burgers." 

"Mhmm. You said they're your favorite." Dean says, flipping the patties in the pan. 

"They are" Cas wants to wrap his arms around Dean, but hesitates. He then wonders why he keeps holding himself back from these things, and just does it, pressing his front to Dean's back as his arms encircle him. 

Dean leans back into him with a happy sigh. "You have a good day?" Dean asks. 

"It was alright. Better now." Cas replies, and feels it down inside himself. This is so domestic, so perfect, he wants to hold onto this forever. 

"Agreed. Even better when I can get these burgers on the table. I'm starving." Dean's stomach rumbles as if to punctuate his point, and Cas laughs into Dean's neck, pressing a kiss there. "'S nice" Dean says, adding cheese to the burgers and flipping off the heat before he turns around in Cas' arms. "Hey." 

"Hello Dean." Dean kisses him, and Cas let's himself get lost in it for a moment. 

"Keep doing that, and we won't eat," Dean says, but doesn't pull away. 

Eventually they separate, and sit down to eat. Dean's burgers really are Cas' favorite food, and he gets halfway through one before looking back up from it. 

Dean has a smile on his face, but it's tight. He seems nervous, and has barely touched his own food. 

"What's wrong?" Cas asks, setting his burger down onto his plate. Worry fills him, but he doesn't let it consume him. He doesn't want to let his insecurities rule his life anymore. 

"I, uh, kind of did something. If you're not okay with it, that's okay, but I wanted to help. I know we'd talked about it, and I know your reasons, so I thought maybe if I could do something about that, maybe you'd still want to. Don't feel pressured though, this is completely your choice." Dean is rambling, and it's making Cas nervous. 

"Please just tell me," Cas says, wanting to get whatever this is over with as quickly as possible. 

Dean reaches into his pocket and pulls out a card, sliding it across the table to Cas. Slowly picking it up, Cas looks at it. 

"That's Doctor Pamela Barnes, she's a psychologist." Dean says. 

As much as Cas appreciates this, he just can't afford it. "Dean, I can't-" 

"I know, you said you can't afford it, and I get that. Okay, please don't be mad." Dean shifts around in his seat, before sighing and continuing. "I've paid for a session a week for the next two months. If you don't want to go, that's okay. Or, if you hate it, you can stop any time. If you like it though, if it helps you, we'll figure out a way to make sure you can continue." 

Cas is speechless. He's staring down at the card for a long time, emotions flowing through him. 

"If I crossed a line, please tell me," Dean says quietly. 

Shaking his head, Cas looks back up at him. "You didn't. I really appreciate this, I do. It's just too much. I can't take that from you." 

"You're not taking it from me, I'm giving it to you. Cas, nothing in this world is more important to me than helping you, making you feel whole, helping you realize how amazing you are. Especially not money. If your only reason for refusing it is that, then please don't." 

"I-" Cas swallows around the emotions welling in his throat. "I don't know what to say." 

"You don't have to say anything. Just please, use it if it's still what you want. She's expecting your call to set up your first appointment, whenever you're ready." 

Nodding, Cas tucks the card into his pocket. "Thank you." The words will never be enough to tell Dean how much he appreciates this, but by the look Dean's giving him, Cas is pretty sure he knows. 

They resume their meal, and Cas is happy to see that Dean is actually eating now. 

Later that evening, Cas kisses Dean softly, letting the kiss speak the words he doesn't know how to say. 


	12. Chapter 12

Cas has his first therapy session later that week. He calls Doctor Barnes the next day, and she's able to fit him in quickly, so on Thursday he finds himself sitting in her office stiffly on the couch while opening himself up in a way he never thought he would. 

It's hard to talk at first, but Doctor Barns, Pam as she asks him to call her, has a way of making Cas comfortable that he thought only Dean capable of. 

By the time the session's over and he returns home, Cas is so flayed open and vulnerable that he locks himself away in his room. He needs time to process, to be alone with his thoughts, and he can't bring himself to be around anyone, not even Dean. 

When Dean gets home from work, there's a knock on Cas' door. Cas tries to explain that he just needs some space, a little time, and can hear the hurt but understanding in Dean's voice when he walks away. 

They sleep apart that night for the first time since Thanksgiving. 

It takes two days for Cas to feel better enough to come out, aside from school and work on Friday. Dean doesn't question him, just pulls him into a hug and they cuddle up on the couch for the rest of the night. 

\-- 

The second session the next Thursday seems to go better. Cas leaves feeling almost lighter, like a bit of a weight has been lifted off him. He hides away in his room for a few hours afterwards, but comes out for dinner. Dean's cooked up some pasta, and they eat, talk about their days, and Dean doesn't ask about his session. 

Cas is glad for that. So much of himself spills out during them that it feels nice to come home and just feel normal for a while. 

It's when they're finished, standing at the sink washing dishes together that Dean says something that throws Cas completely off guard. "I'd like to take you on a date." 

The dish Cas is washing falls from his hands back into the soapy water, and he looks at Dean. "What?" 

Continuing to dry the plate in his hands, Dean says it again casually. "A date. I want to take you on a date." 

Cas has never been on a date before, he doesn't know the first thing about dating. He can feel himself getting anxious at the thought of it. 

"Hey, it's alright." Dean says, turning to Cas and taking his hand in his own. "Nothing fancy, maybe just a casual dinner out tomorrow night. We don't have to if you don't want to. No pressure. I know we said we're together, but I just, I thought it would be nice to go out together." 

Oh, he wants to. Going on a date with Dean sounds nice, being out with him, people seeing them together, knowing they're together. It makes him nervous as hell, but he wants it. 

"Yes" Cas says, then picks the plate up out of the water and starts washing it again. Dean goes back to drying, but has a smile on his face the whole time. 

\-- 

Cas doesn't have work on Friday, so after class he goes home, takes a thorough shower, and stresses about what to wear for several hours. It's oddly reminiscent of the Thanksgiving debacle, and he doesn't like it. 

So, in taking Pam's advice, instead of stressing out about it until he makes himself sick, he reaches out to one of the only other people he really talks to; Charlie. 

**Cas** : What does one generally wear on a first date? 

**Charlie** : !!! You're going on a date?! I really hope it's with Dean. 

**Cas** : Of course it's with Dean. 

**Charlie** : YES I am so happy for you. 

**Cas** : Charlie can you please help me? I'm not at all prepared for this. 

Cas' phone rings with Charlie's name and he picks up. After she calms him down some, she has him walk her through what he has and she picks out what she says will work best. They hang up, but not without Charlie insisting Cas sends her a picture of it. 

He pulls the clothes on, his best dark jeans that Charlie says, supposedly, makes his ass look good and a dark blue button up shirt. It's similar to what he wore to Dean's parent's house, simple, and Cas admits he looks alright. He snaps a picture in his mirror and sends it to Charlie, who replies back with a 'perfect'. 

Figuring Dean should be home by now, Cas heads out to the living room but doesn't see him. He's actually not anywhere in the apartment, and Cas is getting a little worried because they're supposed to leave soon and Dean is always home by now. 

Maybe he changed his mind. The thought hits Cas, making him anxious all over again. He doesn't think Dean would do that to him, he really doesn't, but it's disconcerting nonetheless. 

Pulling his phone from his pocket, Cas checks to see if he'd missed anything from Dean. Aside from the 'can't wait for tonight' he'd received that afternoon, there's been nothing. Sighing, Cas sits on the couch, deciding to wait just a little longer before trying to call and make sure Dean's okay. 

Right at seven, there's a knock on the apartment door, and Cas hurries to answer it. When he opens the door, Dean is standing there smiling, a red rose in his hand that he holds out to Cas. 

Taking it, Cas is confused, but it sends butterflies through his stomach when their fingers touch. They haven't done much kissing since their decision to be together, definitely not more than that, and other than the sleep cuddling they do at night there's been hardly any physical contact at all. 

"Why are you knocking on the door?" Cas asks, stepping back to let Dean in. 

"I'm picking you up for our date" Dean looks around the apartment like he's never seen it before. "Nice place." 

"What- Dean, I don't-" 

"Just go with it sweetheart" Dean says with a wink that does absolutely nothing to quell the fluttering in Cas' stomach. When Cas still just stares at him, Dean sighs and walks over to him, taking his hand. "I know you've never really done the dating thing before, so I just kinda wanted to give you the whole experience. Picking you up, flowers, or uh flower, dinner, walk you to your door, maybe a goodnight kiss." He says the last part with a small blush, and Cas can't help but smile. How did he get so lucky to have Dean in his life? 

"Okay" Cas says with a smile, taking the rose to the kitchen and putting it in a glass of water. "Just let me get my shoes on and I'm ready." 

\-- 

Dean takes him to a nice little pub not too far from their apartment. It's out of the way, so it's not very busy, especially considering it's Friday night in a college town. 

They order beer and burgers, and it's honestly one of the best nights Cas has had in awhile. He loves being in Dean's company, loves being out with Dean, loves the way he brushes off the waitress's flirting by reaching across the table and taking Cas' hand. 

They talk, and laugh, and eat. They hold hands, feet tangled beneath the table, and Dean makes Cas blush with his shameless flirting. Cas lets himself push down all the shit he's been dealing with, and just be a normal guy for the night. Lets himself enjoy his first date with Dean, his first date ever. 

By the time they're climbing out of the car back at their apartment, Cas' face hurts from all the smiling he's done. They take the elevator up, walk to the door, and Cas unlocks it while Dean leans against the doorjamb. 

"I had a great time," Dean says when Cas turns to face him. 

Cas is confused, but Dean had said this is all part of the date experience so he doesn't acknowledge how strange it is. "I did too. Thank you." 

"Mmm" Dean pushes off the wall and comes toward Cas, backing him up until his back is pressed into the door, both hands on Cas' hips. Cas' heart is pounding in his chest, adrenaline rushing through him at what might happen next. "I'd like to kiss you." 

Sliding his hand behind Dean's neck, Cas pulls him in and presses their lips together. It's electric, an instantaneous jolt passing through them. Who knew an after date kiss could feel better than the ones they'd already shared, but there it is. It's intoxicating, addicting, and Cas wants more. 

Dean pulls back after too short a time, and Cas chases his lips, not ready for it to end. Dean chuckles, cupping Cas' face and giving him another small kiss. 

"Thanks Cas" Dean says quietly against his lips. 

Without opening his eyes, words rush out of Cas' mouth. "Come inside with me." His eyes snap open, searches Dean's for his reaction. 

It takes a few moments, but then Dean is asking "are you sure?" 

Cas has thought a lot about this, sex with Dean. He's scared, of course he is, but he knows how he feels about the man, and he knows he wants this. Wants to finally feel Dean in all the ways he can. 

"Yes, I'm very sure." Cas stares into Dean's eyes, making sure he knows he's positive. 

After several long moments, Dean nods and follows Cas into the apartment. They both remove their coats and shoes, and Dean leads Cas to his room, closing the door behind them. Cas has spent almost every night here the last couple weeks, but seeing Dean's bed now, knowing what's about to happen, it sends a new thrill through him. 

Once again, Dean is right in front of him, hands on Cas' hips, looking into his eyes. "I need to make sure-" 

"Yes, Dean. I'm ready for this. I want this, with you." 

Dean nods once, then kisses Cas, pulling them flush together. They kiss for a while, standing there in Dean's room, before Dean finally turns them around and pushes Cas backwards toward the bed. 

There's no fear this time, no voice in the back of his mind stopping him, and it's so freeing. A feeling bubbles up in his chest, and before it even registers what he's doing, he's pulled back a little, words tumbling from his mouth. 

"Dean, I love you." 

Dean pauses, stares at him, stares some more, and the fear is there now, drowning out the happiness. It's too soon to say that, he shouldn't have, should've kept his mouth shut. He's ruined this perfect moment. 

And then a smile breaks out across Dean's face, so blinding and so full of happiness it takes Cas' breath away.

"God Cas" Dean says, crashing their lips back together, kissing him with such a passion Cas has never felt. "I love you too" Dean says, in between kisses to Cas' lips, cheeks, eyes, forehead, back to his lips. "So much." Joy sings through Cas' veins, he grabs a hold of Dean, returning everything he's being given. 

Dean slowly lays Cas back onto the bed, climbing up over him to keep kissing, licking into Cas' mouth, devouring the noises Cas makes as Dean's hand runs along his side, up over his chest, touching everywhere he can reach. 

Wanting to feel Dean's skin against his own, Cas takes a hold of the hem of Dean's shirt, pulls it up until Dean breaks away to pull it over his head. Dean does the same to Cas', taking time to unsnap the cuffs around his wrists. Cas wants to hide them, but Dean just presses a kiss into each one, and another to his mouth. Their chests press together, bare and warm and so wonderful, and Cas gets lost in the kiss. 

Sliding down Cas' body, Dean leaves kisses in his wake, until he reaches the waistband of his pants. He pops the button, then slowly pulls them down and off, tossing them to the floor, leaving Cas in nothing but his boxers, straining against the thin fabric. 

"Gorgeous," Dean says, looking Cas' body up and down. Cas feels exposed, a little embarrassed, blush crawling down his skin. Nobody's ever seen him this bare before. 

Sensing Cas' discomfort, Dean quickly pulls off his own pants so he's in just his boxers too, then covers Cas' body with his own again. "You're so damn beautiful" Dean says into Cas' skin, nuzzling into his neck, biting softly before sucking a mark into it. "Can never get enough of you." 

Cas is overwhelmed in all the best ways as Dean covers him in kisses and small, claiming marks. "Dean" Cas gasps out, as Dean leaves another mark on the inside of his thigh. "Please." 

"What'd ya want Cas?" Dean mumbles into his skin, lips never pausing in their exploration. "Tell me what you want." 

"Anything. I don't know. Show me, please." Cas whimpers as Dean's face rubs over the bulge in his boxers, his hips unintentionally thrusting up, wanting more. 

Dean crawls back over Cas, kissing him deeply. "Wanna make you feel so good. Will you let me?" 

Nodding, Cas tangles his fingers in Dean's hair. "Want you so much." 

Dean reaches into his nightstand and pulls things out, setting them on the bed next to them before removing their remaining clothes. Dean is stunning, body beautiful and lean and strong, covered in freckles that Cas wants to map out with his tongue. 

Then finally, finally Cas feels all of Dean as their hard cocks slide together, and he moans, throwing his head back into the pillow. "Dean, please." He needs more, needs to feel everything. 

"I've got you sweetheart. Lay back and let me take care of you." Dean kisses him, then looks into his eyes. "I need you to tell me if anything doesn't feel good, or you want me to stop, okay?" When Cas nods, Dean says "need ya to say it sweetheart." 

"I'll tell you if I want to stop or it feels bad." Cas says, breathless. He knows he won't be telling Dean to stop, it already feels too good, he never wants it to stop. 

With one last kiss Dean moves down Cas, mouth once again leaving trails as he goes. Cas' skin is on fire, his whole body almost trembling with anticipation. He's a little scared, because he knows it can hurt, but he also knows Dean will take care of him. He trusts Dean to take care of him. 

Settling between Cas' legs, Dean presses against them until they're spread wide, open and waiting for him. Cas only has a second to feel exposed before Dean leans down and starts mouthing at his cock, licking from base to tip, then taking the whole thing into his mouth. Wet heat engulfs him, and Cas' hips stutter up, pleasure coursing through him. Nothing has ever felt this good, and it seems like Dean's only getting started. 

Dean works his cock over until Cas is sure he can't take anymore without exploding, and he feels Dean's wet finger prodding at his hole. He tenses up for a moment but tries to relax his body when Dean tells him to. It takes a while, but Dean works a finger in, gently and slowly stretching him. Cas has never had anything there, not even his own fingers. It's a new and thrilling feeling, and though it burns at first, he wants more as it begins to feel nothing but good. 

"Dean" Cas moans, hands fisted in the sheets, pushing down against Dean's finger. "Please." 

A second finger circles his hole, and Dean sinks his mouth back over Cas' cock as he inserts it. A mix of burning stretch and pleasure shoots through Cas, and his back arches, ripping the sheets off the bed as his hands grip them tightly. 

A soothing hand comes up to his hip, rubbing over it as Dean stops moving his other hand. "Shh it's okay sweetheart. You're okay. Is it bad? Did it hurt?" 

"N-no" Cas stutters, trying to calm his body. "So good Dean. Please.  _ Please _ ." 

Despite Cas reassuring him he's good, Dean still takes a minute to continue stretching him, and when he does, it's even slower and more gentle than before. It feels like it takes forever for Dean to get a third finger in, stretched around it, and Cas feels like he's going to quake apart if he doesn't feel more of Dean soon. 

Cas is pretty sure he's ready, he needs more, needs Dean on top of him, but he doesn't beg again. It's quite embarrassing, being so lost in pleasure that the words keep tumbling out of his mouth, so he keeps his lips shut and only let's small whimpers escape. 

As Dean lets his fingers brush against Cas' prostate, pleasure and pressure building and building, Cas finds it harder to keep quiet. 

Finally, Dean is sliding up his body, fingers still inside of him, pressing a soft kiss to Cas' lips. "You okay?" He asks, and Cas nods sharply, not trusting himself to open his mouth. "Oh, sweetheart, please don't hold back. I wanna hear you." 

Letting a breath out right as Dean rubs against his prostate again, Cas gasps then moans, gripping at Dean's arms. 

"That's it. God you're so fucking sexy." Dean says into Cas neck. "Want you, Cas. Wanna be inside you." 

"Do it, please. I'm ready. I need you." 

Dean leans back on his knees, slowly and gently removing his fingers. Once they're out, Cas feels so empty, another whimper escaping his lips. He watches as Dean slides on a condom and slicks himself up before hovering over Cas. "Okay?" 

"Yes" Cas breathes out, willing his body to relax as he feels the head of Dean's cock press against him. There's a burning stretch, but then Dean's inside, slowly working Cas open even further until he can slide all the way in. 

It's several long moments before Dean moves, but when he does it's the best feeling Cas has ever had. He feels so full, so close to Dean, adding in the pleasure when Dean's cock starts stroking against his prostate and Cas almost can't handle it. 

Incoherent noises are coming out of Dean's mouth, and Cas looks up to see his face slack, eyes half closed as he thrusts into Cas. He's so fucking beautiful, and Cas loves him so much. 

Tears spring to Cas' eyes as he clings to Dean's back, burying his face into his neck. The feelings are overwhelming, he can feel the love pouring off of Dean into himself. 

"Hey, hey baby, what's wrong?" Dean asks, leaning down on one forearm so he can cup the back of Cas' head. 

Cas shakes his head. "Nothing. 'S so perfect." He gasps as Dean gently slides fully into him again. "I love you, Dean." Dean slides in again, a little harder this time and Cas' head falls back onto the pillow. 

"I love you too, sweetheart. Castiel. You're so perfect for me." Dean's thrusts speed up, and Cas holds on as he's brought closer and closer to the edge. He's trying too hard to hold on, wanting this to last but he can't. 

"It's okay baby, just let go." Dean says, hand wrapping around Cas' cock. That's all it takes, Cas' orgasm curls in his stomach and explodes throughout his body as come paints his stomach. He can barely breathe through it, still clinging to Dean, tears leaking from his eyes. Dean tenses up, pressing his forehead to Cas' as he fills the condom inside of Cas, chanting his name over and over again. 

Cas is shaking, trembling, aftershocks coursing through him as Dean slowly slides out of him and ties off the condom, tossing it to the floor. He lays down on the bed and gathers Cas into his arms, pressing kisses into his hair. 

"So beautiful, Cas. So perfect. Amazing. Love you." Dean's saying, fingers running through Cas' hair, soothing him. 

Cas is embarrassed. Between the tears, and the shaking, he's ashamed of himself. It's just so overwhelming. The pleasure, the words, the love Dean's giving him, he just can't stop. 

"'M sorry" Cas says into Dean's chest. 

"Oh no sweetheart, please don't be sorry. You're so great, that was perfect. I know it's a lot. I'm here okay, and I'm not going anywhere. Ever. I love you so much." 

Cas is already drifting off to sleep, exhausted from the rush of emotions and physical exertion he isn't used to. Before he can fall asleep completely, he manages to slur out "love you Dean." 


	13. Chapter 13

When Cas awakens, it's to bright sunlight streaming through the windows, and beautiful green eyes staring at him across the pillow. 

An automatic smile pulls at his lips as Dean leans in and kisses him. "Mornin' sunshine" Dean says. 

"Good morning." Cas feels good, if not a little sore. He regrets falling straight to sleep and not showering, but a quick assessment of his body shows him that Dean must've cleaned him up after he fell asleep. 

"You feel okay?" Dean asks, concern evident in his voice, on his face. 

"I feel fantastic," Cas says with a sigh. He really does. His mind is clear, his body happy, and he has Dean next to him. He couldn't ask for much more than that. 

"Hmm" Dean hums, pressing a kiss to Cas' forehead. "How about breakfast then?" 

"How about a shower first?" Cas asks with a smirk. Dean raises an eyebrow at him, and Cas giggles, rolling out of bed and pulling Dean behind him to the bathroom. 

\-- 

They have an intimate shower where they clean each other, then Dean drops to his knees swallowing Cas down. Cas jacks Dean off in return, and the feeling of Dean's come all over him, even if it's washed away a moment later by the water, feels so good, so right. 

They make breakfast together. Well, Cas stands there distracting Dean, while Dean makes them pancakes and bacon, then they sit and eat while smiling at each other. 

Curling up on the couch, they don't bother to leave any space between them, and turn something mindless on the tv. Between the joking, and smiling, and kissing, it's probably Cas' favorite morning he's ever had. It's perfect. 

When it's interrupted by a knock on the door, Cas pouts at Dean, and Dean just laughs and kisses him before getting up to answer it. 

Cas can't see who's on the other side, but he can see Dean tense a little as soon as the door is opened. "Can I help you?" Dean asks, in his 'I'm trying to be polite' voice. 

"Yes" it's a deep male voice. "I'm looking for Castiel Novak. Does he live here?" 

The change in Dean's body is immediate. He goes from slightly tense to completely defensive. "And who are you?" 

"I really need to speak to Mister Novak about that." The man says. 

Cas is standing up from the couch and walking towards the door when Dean says "I really can't help you then." 

When Dean tries to close the door in the man's face, Cas grabs a hold of it. Dean looks at him in annoyance, then his face smoothes out and it's full of concern. "Cas." 

"It's okay Dean." Cas slides up next to Dean to take in the man standing in their doorway. He's older, graying hair, pressed suit, and a briefcase in his hand. "I'm Castiel" he says, and the man smiles at him. 

Holding out his hand for Cas to shake, he says "I'm Carson Sanderson." When Cas just looks at him in confusion, the man continues, dropping his hand. "Oh, I'm sorry. I'm a lawyer and I represent your mother." 

Cas' body goes cold, chest tightening, dizzy. He reaches a hand out to steady himself, and finds Dean already has a hold of him. After a moment, Cas croaks out "my mother is dead." 

"Oh, yes, she is. I'm so sorry, I should've said I represented her." The man says, shifting awkwardly on his feet. 

"I don't know why you're here, but I have nothing for you. I hadn't spoken to my mother in three and a half years, so I don't know what you could possibly want from me." Cas says, getting his bearings back. The tightness in his chest remains, but with Dean's arm around him he feels stronger. 

"No, Mister Novak, I don't want anything from you. Your mother, before she died, she gave me this." Mister Sanderson reaches into his briefcase and pulls out a large envelope. "She asked that it be delivered to you after her death. I apologize that it took so long, but with the holiday we had a backlog at the office and this kind of fell behind." 

Mister Sanderson is holding out the envelope for Cas to take, but he can't seem to make his hand move to reach for it. He can't possibly fathom what his mother would've sent him from her deathbed. 

Seeing Cas' struggle, Dean reaches out and snatches the envelope out of his hand. "Is that all?" Dean basically growls at the man. 

Clearly uncomfortable with this situation, he answers that he needs Cas' signature. Dean roughly takes the paper, sets the pen in Cas' hand, and once it's signed Dean asks once again if he needs anything else. When Mister Sanderson answers in the negative, Dean shuts the door on him and guides Cas to the couch. 

Cas knows he must be in some sort of shock. He never expected to hear another word from his mother, and here he is with an envelope from her. Delivered by a lawyer. That must mean it's important, right? His feelings are all over the place, unsure where to settle as Cas sits cross legged on the couch staring at the packet Dean places in his hands. 

"You don't have to open it. At least, not right now, if you don't want to." Dean says from next to him on the couch. 

"It has to be important," Cas says quietly. 

"It's on your terms, Cas. Your choice. Remember, they can't take anything away from you anymore. And I'm here if you need me." Dean's hand is running soothingly up and down Cas' arm, and it's helping him calm down some. 

So many thoughts in his head, Cas pushes them all aside. This is from his mother, and he has to know what she wanted to say, even if it's bad. "I need to read it." 

"Okay." Dean answers. "You wanna do it alone?" 

"I don't know." Cas looks at Dean, and he knows his eyes are wide because he's afraid. He shouldn't be, but he is. 

Dean looks like he's thinking for a moment. "Okay, how about this? I'll go to the kitchen, so I'm right there" he nods his head right behind them "but you can read it on your own. If you need me, I'll be right here. Okay? 

Having no idea what's in the envelope, Cas really kind of wants Dean to stay next to him, but he wants to be strong too. He nods, and Dean kisses him on the forehead before getting up and heading to the kitchen. 

It takes Cas a couple of minutes of staring at it, but he finally opens the sealed envelope with shaky hands. The first sheet he pulls out already has tears welling in his eyes before he takes more than the first couple words in. 

_ My Castiel  _

_ I need to start by saying that I'm sorry for everything.  _

_ I'm sick with cancer. They say I won't live much longer, and I need to say these things to you before I go. I wish I could actually say them to you, but I think we're past the point that you would even take my call if I tried, so here I am.  _

_ I'm sorry Castiel. I'm so sorry for everything that happened, for everything your father put you through, for everything I let him do to you. I just sat by and let him treat you that way, let him say those things to you, and let him push you out. I was scared. I'd built this life, had all these expectations on me, and I was afraid of what would happen if I went against your father's wishes.  _

_ I wish I hadn't been so weak, at least when it came to you. I wish I could've been strong enough to stand up for you, to tell him he was wrong.  _

_ Because, Castiel, he was so very wrong. You are a good kind person. You're smart, and giving, and such a beautiful young man, and whatever your sexuality is, it doesn't change that.  _

_ I was a fool to let you go. A scared, weak, selfish fool and I'm sorry.  _

_ I am so sorry. No matter where I go after this, I will forever regret what happened, and not telling you this before I left the world. You will always be my little boy, and I'm proud of you.  _

_ I know this, none of it, will ever make up for what happened, but I hope one day you'll find it in your heart to forgive me.  _

_ I love you.  _

_ Always, _

_ Your mom  _

The tears are falling freely now, Cas heart aching at the loss he's finally feeling. He thought he'd lost her so long ago, but this feels almost worse because they could've had a relationship, they could've fixed it before she died. 

Sucking in a sharp breath, Cas sets the letter into his lap and reaches back into the envelope, sliding out the second paper. On the front is a sticky note, written in his mother's handwriting. 

_ I know this won't make any of it better, but you deserve to have things easier for a while. Do with it what you will, it's yours.  _

The note is attached to a legal document, a bank statement in Castiel's name, showing a savings account with a substantial balance. The paper falls from Cas' hands into his lap as the tears continue to stream down his face, trying to control his shaking. 

It's all too much. 

Dean is kneeling in front of him, gently taking the papers and setting them on the coffee table before pulling Cas against him. 

"Shh, sweetheart it's okay. Whatever it was, you're alright." Cas let's the tears come, clings to Dean until he climbs onto the couch and pulls Cas into his lap. "I've got you." 

He's not sobbing, he's not gasping for air, it's just silent tears streaming down his face that's pressed against Dean's chest. His chest hurts with regret, aches for the love of his mother he'd lost so long ago. 

Dean's soothing voice, gentle touches, calm the tears until they're just lightly sliding down Cas' cheeks. By the time they stop, Cas feels a lightness, almost like something heavy has been lifted from him. It still hurts, the pull in his chest, but it's not the same overwhelming pain he's dealt with most of his life. 

Dean's speaking again, in a low voice. "However bad it was, you'll make it through. You're so strong, Cas." 

"It wasn't-" Cas starts, trying to figure out how to explain it. Sighing, Cas reaches over and plucks the papers off the table, placing them in Dean's hands before sitting back and wiping the tracks from his face. When Dean looks at him, Cas nods his head toward them in permission for Dean to read. 

Once finished, Dean sets the papers neatly back on the table, saying "holy fuck." He looks at Cas like he doesn't know what to say, and Cas knows the feeling. It's not at all what he'd expected. 

"Do you think it's legitimate?" Cas asks quietly. 

"Sure looks that way. You'll probably have to go to the bank to make sure, but I don't know why she'd send that if it wasn't." 

Cas is nodding, trying to sort through all the craziness in his head. If this is real, he's not even sure what to do with it. He's been without for so long, working hard for every little thing he has, that he's overwhelmed at the concept. 

Not just that, he's dumbfounded by the words his mother had written. He wishes so much she'd gotten in contact with him before she passed. It would've been hard, and he can't say for sure he would've taken her call, but he wishes she would have tried. 

Feeling Dean's hand on his cheek, Cas looks up at him. "It's a lot to take in, what your mom said. But, it's good Cas. Everything she said was true. You're such an amazing person, and you deserve it, and so much more." Dean presses a soft kiss to Cas' lips, and Cas can feel the tension he'd been unknowingly holding loosen. He needs time to grasp everything, figure out how to go from here. 

Curling into Dean's lap, Cas takes solace in his arms, lets the warmth and comfort that is Dean envelope him. After a while, Dean flips something mindless on tv, wraps his arms around Cas, and let's Cas take all the comfort he needs. 


	14. Chapter 14

The weekend passes quickly. He and Dean aren't intimate again, and Cas doesn't know how to approach it. He figures Dean is probably giving him time to adjust to all the changes, but he already misses the closeness they had Friday night. 

Monday after class, Cas goes to the bank to find out that yes, the document his mother sent him is real. He has a very large savings account balance, more than he could ever imagine spending in his life. 

The banker spends a while trying to convince him to invest, but he's too overwhelmed to deal with it. He has them transfer a little money to his checking account, which has been sadly low since he lost his second job, and leaves, wandering home mindlessly. 

Dean's at work, so Cas takes a shower and curls up on the couch, only moving to order pizza not long before Dean's due to arrive home.

When Dean gets home, he greets Cas with a kiss before taking a shower and joining him on the couch. The pizza arrives while Dean's showering, so they dig in, Dean telling him about his day. Cas doesn't tell him about the bank trip, not yet, he's still processing, so he tells Dean about his classes. 

When they've finished eating, Dean turns to him. He's biting his lip, and Cas tilts his head in question because that usually means Dean has something to say. 

"Spend Christmas with me" Dean blurts out, then blushes. "I mean, my parents keep asking me if you're coming with, and I'd really like you there, if you want to?" 

A grin spreads over Cas lips, and happiness fills his chest. Cas had thought maybe they'd spend Christmas together, like Thanksgiving, but Dean hadn't brought it up so he wasn't sure before now. 

Basically launching himself at Dean, Cas pushes him back on the couch and slams their lips together in a heated kiss. When Cas pulls back, Dean has a large smile on his face. "I'll take that as a yes." He says, before pulling Cas' face back down. 

They kiss for a while, desperate and needy, Dean's hands finding the warmth of Cas' skin under his shirt. Cas feels himself hard inside his pants and rolls his hips down, pulling a groan from Dean with the friction. He slides his lips from Dean's, down to his neck, Dean tilting his head back to give Cas better access. Cas licks and sucks the skin there, tasting the salt and sweetness of Dean, pressing their bodies even closer together. 

Mind fuzzy with lust, Cas slides his hand down Dean's front, fingers finding the button on Dean's jeans as he sucks another mark into Dean's skin. 

"Cas" Dean's voice is rough, and it urges Cas on, popping the button and sliding the zipper down until he can feel Dean through his boxers. He runs his hands over it softly, feeling the wet spot gathered on the cloth. "Sweetheart" Dean says, and Cas feels himself being pushed back a little. 

An unbidden whimper escapes his lips as he scrambles to close the distance Dean put between them. "Please" Cas begs. He doesn't want to stop, he needs the closeness, the intimacy. He needs to feel all of Dean again. 

Dean takes a hold of Cas' face, kissing him lightly. "I was only going to say take me to the bedroom" Dean says. He kisses to Cas' ear, whispering the next words. "I want you inside me." 

A shiver rolls through Cas' body, and he plunges his tongue into Dean's mouth again before forcing himself up and pulling Dean behind him to the bedroom. Once there, Cas rips Dean's shirt off and pushes him down on the bed, climbing over him to kiss him again. 

"Fuck Cas" Dean gasps out, as Cas moves down his body. He wants to taste every inch of Dean, map out every freckle with his tongue, suck on his nipples until they're red and swollen. So he does. He works his way down Dean's body, not leaving an inch untouched, pulling off Dean's pants and underwear and kissing everywhere. 

Dean is writhing underneath him, breaths coming fast, fingers clutching Cas' shirt as Cas comes back up to kiss his lips again. "Off" Dean says, pulling on Cas' shirt harder. Cas grins and obliges, sliding it over his head and tossing it to the floor. He follows it with the rest of his clothes until they're both gloriously naked. 

Dean is flushed pink, warm and beautiful, and god Cas has never wanted anything more in his life. He doesn't know how he got so lucky, but he promises himself he will never take this for granted, never let this go if he can help it. 

"Cas, please," Dean says, and Cas realizes he's been staring at Dean for too long, taking in his beautiful body, memorizing the perfect expanse of skin beneath him. He leans back down and kisses Dean, bodies sliding together naked and damp from sweat. 

Dean reaches over to the nightstand drawer and pauses, pulling back to look into Cas eyes. "I, uh" he bites his lip and blushes. "I got tested, my results are in here if you wanna see but I'm clean. I thought, maybe if you might wanna" he looks away "not use a condom. I've never done that, but with you..." Dean looks back at him. "'S different." 

Cas can feel himself flush, the thought of feeling Dean completely, with nothing between them, knowing that nobody else has felt that with him, sends a sharp curl of arousal through his gut. Growling with a sudden possessive need, Cas crashes their mouths back together, reaching over to dig the lube out of the drawer himself. He doesn't need to see the results, he trusts Dean to tell him the truth. 

Lube in hand, Cas makes his way back down Dean's body. He's never done this, not even to himself, but he did some research on it and he thinks he can make Dean feel good. Pushing the nerves aside, Cas opens the bottle and slicks his fingers up. 

By the time Cas has three fingers inside Dean, moving and stretching easily, making sure to pass over Dean's prostate often, Dean is a whimpering mess, and Cas can barely hold himself back. He carefully removes his fingers, slicks his cock up, and leans down over Dean. 

"Please, need you" Dean says, bucking his hips up to get Cas to move faster. 

Cas doesn't know where the confidence comes from, probably seeing Dean begging underneath him, but he leans forward, pressing his lips to Dean's neck, then up to his ear. "You want me to fuck you, Dean?" He asks, low and growling. 

The whimper that comes out of Dean is almost a sob, fingers clutching at Cas' back, nails digging in. He wants to say more, wants more of this reaction from Dean, but he's already a little embarrassed so he doesn't. Instead, he nibbles on Dean's earlobe before pulling back and lining himself up. Dean's legs spread even further apart, and Cas presses against his hole with the head of his cock, adding more pressure until he slides inside. 

Dean is so tight and hot, it takes everything Cas has to fight his body's natural instinct, to not just thrust forward and end it right there. It's overwhelming and powerful, and he needs a minute to compose himself. Dean is breathing hard, clinging to his back, and Cas buries his face into Dean's neck until he feels more in control. 

"Cas" Dean croaks, and Cas comes back to himself, the shock of the tight heat dulled just enough that he can continue. 

Pulling himself up to his forearms, Cas looks into Dean's eyes as he tentatively moves his hips, pulling out only a little before pushing back in gently. Dean's eyelashes flutter over his cheeks, eyes half closed as Cas does it again. 

It feels amazing, better than anything he's felt before. He feels close, so close to Dean, body on fire with every touch Dean presses into his skin. 

Rocking into Dean a little harder with each thrust, Dean's hips buck up to meet him, and Cas catches Dean's lips in a kiss, their sweaty bodies moving together. His body alight with pleasure, Cas can feel his arms shaking, unused to the mix of feelings and exertion, the concentration it takes to keep himself from falling over the edge too quickly. 

Dean's fingers trace Cas' cheek, a soft look in his eyes. "You're holding back,'' Dean says, running a hand down Cas' arm where it's trembling. 

Face flushing, Cas tilts his head down to press his forehead against Dean's chest, hiding. He wants this to be good for Dean, wants him to feel the immense pleasure that Cas is feeling, but he doesn't know how. 

"'M sorry" Cas mumbles, stilling his hips, cock still buried inside Dean. He doesn't want to stop, but he doesn't want to disappoint. 

He feels Dean's legs wrap around him, arms holding him tight and then he's rolling until Dean is on top of him. Cas looks up into his face, and Dean leans down to kiss him, smiling. "You're so perfect" Dean says quietly, leaning up a little and grinding his hips down. Cas gasps as an immense sensation jolts through his body. He feels so deep inside Dean now. Dean's hips roll and Cas grabs onto his shoulders. 

Sitting all the way up, Dean places his hands on Cas' chest and starts to move up and down, slow at first, then harder and faster. Cas' head falls back into the pillow, a moan forcing it's way out of his throat. It feels so fucking good, better than anything. He wants more, he wants it all. Dean isn't close enough still, so Cas sits up, crashing their lips together as he wraps his arms around Dean. Dean repositions in Cas' lap, and Cas gets even deeper still, Dean groaning into his mouth as Cas thrusts up into him.

They move smoothly now, lips never leaving each other, Cas' cock sliding in and out. Pleasure building fast, Cas doesn't know how much longer he can last. 

"Dean," he moans, wants him to know how close he is. 

"Touch me. Please" Dean begs, writhing in Cas' lap. 

Sliding his hand between them, Cas grasps a hold of Dean's cock, dripping wet with precome. His hand slides over it easily, and Dean's thrusting up into his fist, and back down onto Cas' cock. Dean's fingers are digging into his shoulders, incoherent noises tumbling from his mouth into Cas', and Cas knows he's close too. Cas' mouth finds Dean's neck, and he bites down as he twists his wrist, and feels hot liquid flow over his hand, Dean moaning into his shoulder, nails surely leaving marks in Cas' skin. 

Dean's clenching around him, so tight and hot as his orgasm flows through him, and Cas can't hold on anymore. He lets himself go, let's the pleasure take hold and course through him as his cock pulses, finally releasing. He comes hard, harder than ever before, and tears spring to his eyes with the intensity of it. He can't stop the noises coming from his mouth, so he buries his face in Dean's neck and let's it come. 

When they've both settled from the aftershocks, Dean slides off of Cas' lap, laying down beside him and pulling Cas against his chest. They're sweaty and covered in come and Cas' couldn't care less about it, sated and happy to be in Dean's arms. 

They stay silent for a while, just holding each other, then Dean groans and rolls out of bed. He leaves the room and comes back a minute later with a washcloth, cleaning Cas up before snuggling back against him. 

"I went to the bank today," Cas says after a while. "The paper she sent me, it's real. The money is there." 

"That's really great sweetheart. You deserve it." Pressing a kiss against Cas' hair, Dean tightens his arms around him. "What're you gonna do with it?" 

"Mmm, not sure, other than quitting my job" Cas says. He pauses for a minute, then says what he's been thinking about since he got confirmation the money's real. "I'd like to give you some." 

Dean tenses against him, and Cas looks up at him, unsure what the expression on his face is. After a second, Dean shakes his head. "No, that money's yours." 

"I know," Cas says, reaching up and running his fingers along Dean's jaw. "But you've done so much for me. You could quit your job, just go to school." 

Dean's shaking his head again. "I like my job. Seriously Cas, you should do something for you. I don't need anything, I'm happy with what I have." 

Confused, Cas isn't sure why Dean won't take it. He'd been there to help Cas through his roughest time, supported him, gave him a place to live, gave him a home for the first time. Cas is indebted to him, and if Dean won't let him pay him back now that he can, he'll be forever in Dean's debt. 

Sitting up, Cas let's the sheets pool around his waist and rubs the heel of his hands into his eyes. He feels Dean sit up next to him, and a hand on his shoulder. "Cas?" 

Sighing, Cas drops his hands into his lap, looking down at them. "I owe you, a lot. Without you, I would've been homeless. Or, probably... probably..." a shiver runs through him, a lead weight dropping into his stomach. "Dead" he finishes in a whisper, the thought of how close he'd been to that, to not having all of what he has now, making him feel nauseous. 

"Oh sweetheart" Dean's arm slides over his shoulder, a kiss pressed into Cas' hair. "I didn't do that to be repaid. I did it because I loved you." 

Cas head snaps up, looking at Dean, heart pounding. "You loved me then?" 

A smile spreads across Dean's lips. "Yeah, how could I not?" 

Cas leans forward and captures Dean's lips in a kiss, sweet and slow. "I loved you too, you know." He says, pulling back a little. "I was just scared. I still am sometimes." 

"You have nothing to be scared of from me. I'm not going anywhere." Dean says, before kissing Cas again. 

\-- 

The next couple weeks are full of classes and Dean. He still refuses to take any money that Cas tries to give him, but doesn't complain when Cas pays for dinner, or buys more groceries than he was able to before. They get in a nice routine, since Cas isn't working anymore he starts cooking, or attempting to cook, most nights, having a hot meal on the table when Dean gets home. Even if he's completely botched the food, Dean still eats it and praises him for trying. 

Cas continues to go to therapy, upping his time to twice a week now that he can afford to. He still has hard moments, times when he's depressed and sequesters himself off in his old room, but Dean never let's him mope for too long, always finding a way to pull him out of the funk. 

Before Cas knows it, it's Christmas time and they head down to Dean's parents house for a long weekend. He's once again welcomed with open arms, and for the first time in his life he has an actual Christmas. Dean and his parents even get him gifts, and Cas had spent the weeks prior putting a lot of thought into what to get them. He's pleased with himself, even more so when Dean's parents and brother seem really happy with them. 

Cas buys himself something too, while he's out shopping for them. When he'd been broke, living in his shitty apartment, he'd had to sell whatever he could to keep his head above water. One of those things had been his camera. He'd saved up for it when he was a teenager, and it wasn't much, but photography has always been something he's enjoyed and it broke his heart to sell it. He probably spent way too much on the new one, but being able to take pictures of this Christmas, with Dean's family, it makes it all worth it. 

They spend Christmas night sipping eggnog in front of the fireplace after everyone goes to bed, Cas curled up in Dean's arms. He doesn't think he's ever been happier than he is at this moment, and he tells Dean that. When Dean smiles at him, it hits like sunshine on Cas' soul, and they kiss until they can't breathe. 


	15. Chapter 15

**_One and a half years later_ **

Cas breaks down the last empty box, looking around their new house. It had been a struggle, convincing Dean to let Cas buy this for them, but he eventually caved and Cas couldn't be happier with it. 

It's perfect for them, close to Dean's work, and close to the school where Cas decided to pursue his masters degree. Three bedrooms and two bathrooms upstairs, a half bathroom and an office space on the first floor. Along with a spacious living room where a wall of windows looks out onto the backyard, and a modern kitchen where Dean, and Cas now, can cook, it's exactly what Cas wanted. 

Feeling arms wrap around his waist, Cas sighs and leans back into Dean. "That's all of it." Dean says, kissing Cas' temple. 

"Mmm yeah, just about." Cas replies, feeling his heart rate increase. 

Dean's arms tighten around him. "What's left?" 

"Just one more thing that needs a place." Cas says, turning around in Dean's arms and looking into his eyes. 

"Oh yeah?" Dean says with a smirk. "What's that?" 

Reaching into his pocket, Cas can feel himself shaking as his fingers close around the box he's hidden for months, waiting for just this moment. He slowly pulls it out, and watches Dean's eyes go wide as he registers what Cas is holding. 

"You're everything to me, Dean. Before you, I was nothing but a shell, going through the motions every day but not really living. You taught me how to live, how to love, how to be myself, and I can't imagine spending a moment of my life without you. I love you." Cas takes in a shaky breath and opens the box. "Will you marry me?" 

A tear slides down Dean's cheek as a blinding smile spreads across his face. "Yes" he says, pulling Cas even closer and pressing their lips together. "I love you too." 

\-- 

Life isn't perfect. Cas still has setbacks, days where it's a struggle to use a healthier coping mechanism, days where he needs extra encouragement and reminders of how far he's come, and how much better his life is. 

But, he knows, he always knows, that he'll forever have Dean by his side.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well this is the end, and it's been a journey. I hope you all enjoyed it.  
> Please remember that combating depression is a lot of work, and there is no easy fix it, not even beautiful gay love. If you need help or need someone to talk to, please do. Find a friend, a confidant, or even call a helpline. Whatever you need to get the help you deserve.
> 
> One more thanks to my awesome beta and friend Marvfortytwo, you're amazing and I love you.
> 
> For AB, my own angel who helped me through some of the darkest times of my life. Our story didn't end the same way as theirs did, but I'll forever be grateful you were there.


End file.
